the asexual writer

another unproductive Sunday

2012-01-30T00:29:00.004+08:00

I woke up around 2pm to the voice of my father telling me that it's already 3pm. It pisses me off whenever he tries to do that. It's not like I'll hasten to go downstairs even if it was 3pm.

I had breakfast/lunch, and as usual I ate in silence, not talking to my mother. I found out the tv downstairs is broken again because it was missing. My father and my brother left the house to pick up the tv from the repairs around 2:30 pm. I went upstairs to prepare for my parttime job, while playing Sims Socials on Facebook to pass some time.

RP (my brother) left the house, for which I am so grateful of. I hate having him around the house. He didn't even join us for dinner.

We had dinner around 8pm. I managed to piss my dad off when he handed me my laundry, and I told him that it could wait (since he handed to me BEFORE we sat down for dinner) but I took my laundry and stormed off upstairs. He said "sapukin kaya kita hindi ka na nga naglalaba..."

Okay, so another meal passed in silence. Or at least I was silent. The parents were talking about mundane things again, like the neighbor who said that they'll be moving away but they were saying anyway for ages.

For my night shift on my job, I forced myself to keep my schedule open even if I had one of the students I disliked because he always sounded bored, and I hate his gut. We even had a misunderstanding about the European Debt Crisis. Meh.

Today I had six students. Not bad.

artwork011 2.0

2012-01-27T10:55:00.005+08:00

For years I have kept this blog and as time went by, the number of posts decrease yearly. However, I hope for 2012, I wish this will be reversed. I plan on recording my daily activities on this blog, making it more of an online diary instead of the rant filled, hormone-driven blog i used to keep.

Writing and keeping note of the date is the suggestion of my counselor, and I think there is no harm in trying. After all, i might go off the wrong end should my current state continue. Anyway, I look forward to keeping this blog active, as a way for me to regain my lost ability to express myself through words as well as share my sketches that I don't intend for my friends to see yet.

Bokura Ga Ita quotes

2011-08-01T22:14:00.005+08:00

I'm not sure if this manga is ever going to end. It's just so beautifully tragic. Anyway, here are random quotes from both the anime and the manga

"There isn't anyone who can make my heart stop for what seems like forever besides him. Nobody other than him." -Takahashi

"For the first time, I prayed for someone else's happiness." -Takahashi

"Being in love with each other is actually such a beautiful thing." - Takahashi

"You are a part of my own in my heart" -Yano

"You know, liking isn't simply the absence of hate" -Yano

"It's impossible to change my past, so...why don't we create a today that is better than the past?" -Yano

"I won't regret the regrettable. I accepted that paradox..as this 17 year old girl's winter is starting to give it signs of its end." -Takahashi

"I believe only one person can be most important to you at a time."

"I don't think the important thing to do is always the same as the right thing to do."

"Listen carefully because I'm gonna say this once, I love you." -Yano

"I want to believe that it's not something special and that it's not an ending"

"Ever since I met you, I feel like I lived just to meet you."

"Human memories are too vague. Thinking something has color when it doesn't, making things more dramatic than they really are, glorifying things... It gives new greater meaning than was actually there. That's why I don't believe any of this talk about 'beautiful memories.' " -Yano

Nana: What kind of present would make your past pale in comparison?
Yano: A reality where I exist and you're right there next to me

==the last few lines of the anime==
"We were all indeed here."
"We lived here."
"I came to love him."
"I loved her."
"Recieving so many blessings and a countless number of feelings."
"Learning each other's strengths and weaknesses."
"Yes indeed...We were here."

"My wish upon a star...let me remember the person whom I will never see again."

"I'll be a womanizer from now on too! -Takeuchi (this made me LOL)

"Back then, we gave it our all..We neither lied, nor made mistakes. We didn't fail, and didn't do anything wrong. It's just that time has passed...and changed it all."

"In our memories, we laughed, we cried. During those moments, sincerly and earnestly, we were happy. That's why when I look back, I'm sure these memories will be dear to my heart."

The summer of our eighteenth year. It was the season that marked the END.

"If you need reasoning when in love, of course it doesn't work."

"It's exactly because I had the confidence that it would last...that I was able to leave." -Yano

"That's because when you feel lonely, it means there is someone for you to miss."

"I later found out that the stronger the will, the stronger the feeling of loss." -Yano

"I like that, unlike me, she's honest." -Yano

"When I'm with her, I feel like my heart's becoming a lot cleaner, too." -Yano

"I don't want to mess up my treasured memories. I like them just the way they are."

"Even if there was a chance to do it all over again, I probably still wouldn't know what I should do..." -Aki

"This conversation should be quick. Tell me your number."

"Things such as problems are only something that living people possess." -Yano

"I'm still nervous. Just sitting here alone takes up a lot of my energy." -Takahashi

"We can't win against a dead person."

"That's the first time a girl has ever said 'die' to me." - Yano

"If I blame "others" I would be full of questions and feel frustrated. If I blame "myself"the dire consequences that occured were destined." -Yano

This guy is a big fat cheater. In other words, he's a genius!

"Ever since I met Yano it's becoming easier to cry." -Takahashi (oh I know how you feel)

"There is someone who is more important to me than anything else in this world. Fate brought us together. And if i'm wrong about that, then I'll never believe in fate again." -Takahashi

"Human memories aren't reliable. You can believe something without color was in color. Your brain will add something just to glorify it." -Yano

"Memories make you believe what happened was better than it actually was." -Yano

"For those heading towards an undesirable outcome, they wil say 'I want to forget'." - Takahashi

"In my mind, the memories when I was seventeen continue to play." -Takahashi

"It would be good if people who want to die could just die. They can chose how to live their lives. They can chose who to love. But they can't always keep promises." - Yano

"No matter how rough my life has been, I simply don't possess the courage to die." -Yano

"Suppose you were on a sinking boat with two people, who would you save? The guy who's closer to you? The guy who looks better? The guy that's kind? The guy you like? I would save the one that cannot swim." - Yano

"They words that i said in the past are playing in my mind now" -Takahashi

"Don't lie to yourself. Pretending to be drunk just so you can have an excus to speak the truth is kinda pitiful, eh?" -Yano's colleague

"I don't need anything that won't be mine."

"You know, lately I've been having this dream. I grab a change of clothes, put them in my bag and take a plane. The flight takes one hour and a half. When I open my eyes I'm already in the misty port city of the north. I get out of the airport and take the local bus. Thirty minuter of green fields then Otanoshike, Totori, Shinbashi. I would get off in front of the red cross building, pass the red light and run by the Welcity hotel, dash to my house in Yanagi-machi. Leave my stuff there, grab my bike, cut through the Yanagi-machi park, ride along the Koyo Primary school, very quickly on my bike, Aikoku, Ashino, quickly.....as fast as I can....into Takahashi's arms." -Yano

"Where did we go wrong? wasn't it possible to live up more to our feelings?" -Takeuchi

"'Love'...I wonder just how can it be measured" -Yano

"My happiest moment became my turning point" -Yano

"Who can save this guy? it seems impossible even for Takahashi" -Takeuchi

"looking back..I don't want to make it a sad memory" -Takeuchi

"Compared to anyone else, you are the person who have the strongest desire to love"

"Yano, you're the one that made me strong." - Takahashi

Full Metal Alchemist: Bonne Nuit lyrics

2011-07-30T00:28:00.010+08:00

Bonne Nuit

Full Metal Alchemist - Riza Hawkeye Character Song

Sung by: Orikasa Fumiko

Tokoshie ni tsuzuku yōna yoru no kuragari kara

sabishige ni uzuki dasu itami o seotte

mado kara nozokeba machi bira yasashiku

me o tsumuru yō ni kiete ikukedo

sotto mimamotte irukara

senaka azukete

hatenai asuga arukara tachidomarazu ni Ikite yukeru

itsuka sekai ga subete o wasurete me ga samasu made

zutto mimamotte irukara

sono te ga shimesu mama ashita no hō wa

the return of artwork011

2011-07-26T00:13:00.002+08:00

I've deactivated my facebook account, decided to stop using Twitter, and basically just stop using all those social networking sites.

I don't miss blogging, but I'm back. All because I'm so fucking confused lately. I don't know how to express myself anymore---No, cross that out. I never learned how to express myself over the years.

This blog has been around, like four years now, and I don't think I matured over that time. I'm still harping about the same things, same drama, same shit. The only difference is that I'm much more of a loser now. And I'm not saying that to get your pity; it's merely the truth.

The next few months will be a make it or break it moment for me. And I should be doing everything I can to make it. But I lack something. I lack motivation, I lack passion. I have no direction. Even if "make it", it still wouldn't be enough to guide me to the right direction.

In three months I'll be 20, and I know I'm still young, but I can't afford to make more stupid mistakes. I have no direction...I don't know what to do with my life. It's incredibly difficult for me to see the blog posts I wrote years ago, when I still had something vaguely similar to having a "dream". It's painful to know and see this young hopeful who is hormone-driven, yet much more focused...and realize that that's what I used to be.

I'm planning on withdrawing on anything to social. Tomorrow, I plan on going to the university guidance office--the second time this term. I feel like i need counselling right now.

i feel melancholy

2011-04-27T20:20:00.000+08:00

my happiest moment became my turning point

can i go now?

2011-02-22T00:08:00.003+08:00

So I've finally beat out my excessive daydreaming disorder....if it was a disorder at all.

I think I'm near the point of losing complete interest in studying. Graduation seems like a dream right now...

i'm supposed to start my thesis next sem...and yet right now I am taking a subject for freshmen, and unbelievably failing a Math subject. My self esteem has gone even lower...i dunno why I am even wasting my parents' money...maybe I should just tell them to disown me so I can feel like a complete loser.

I'm a loser now, no matter how much I pretend otherwise. I barely make enough money to support my drinking, smoking, and shopping expenses. And who the hell am i to have vices when my life is already fucked up without those. I guess I should just go away...and have myself killed by a ten wheeler truck in the highway

I'm a failure. I don't want people to look at me and see the potential I had, and then see the reality which is myself...the embodiment of FAILURE. Why am i not good enough for them? Why am I not good enough for my professors? Why am I not good enough for men? Why am I not good enough for my parents?

Is it so wrong to be imperfect? Damn it why is it so wrong to be weak? Did you love me because I was perfect, and now you abandon me because my life has been so fucked up lately? Am I no longer worthy of being loved?

Am i really that rotten now? If i am, tell me please. So i can rid this world of a rotten being at least.

i'm bound to fail...always.

2011-02-22T00:01:00.002+08:00

my life is so pointless right now. Today, I recently made a major milestone on this project for 192...and then it was gone. Yep, gone. I'm not sure of the fucking reason why it's gone. It could be the fact that I was organizing my files and then i accidentally replaced the file with an older file with the same type and filename. Or maybe I absentmindedly pressed Shift+Del. Dunno. Not that I can do anything about it right now.

So the number of *real* hours I spent on improving the project is basically wasted. FUCK.

And this shit happens right when I was actually doing my duty as a student. Now my projectmates will see me as this slacker programmer...no, more of a slacker good-for-nuthin' moocher.

life sucks. kill me now.

on dropping a subject

2011-02-08T03:04:00.002+08:00

Normally when I do rants about studies I regret it later because it sounds trivial after a few weeks. But this time I don't think this is the case.

The thing is I didn't take the exam for this subject yesterday. Which means I'm probably going to have to drop the subject lest i suffer humiliation from getting another fail on my transcript.

The thing is, if I drop this subject, I am effectively one year delayed in college. Yes, my college days are extended by one full year.

I do have another option, though a riskier one at that. I will have to fake an excuse letter to be able to take the exam. But i wasn't able to take the exam because of the fact that I wasn't able to wake up on time. And i really hate lying to authority. (I was almost arrested for trying to lie my way out of trouble. It ends okay for me, though my personal record is already tarnished. I'm never doing that again. But that's another story)

So i have two options:

1. Lie, and get an excuse letter to be permitted to take a late exam

a. if caught: unable to take exam, drop course, delayed for a full year

b. if not caught: take exam, pass exam, pass course, get a chance to graduate on time

c. if not caught: take exam, fail exam, fail course, delayed graduation

2. Drop the course

a. no additional FAIL, delayed graduation

so i have a few hours to decide on what to do. This is my fault after all. I didn't study much for the exam so I'm leaning on dropping the course. Also, it was also my fault i didn't wake up for the exam when I set my alarm clock.

Either way, I think the chances that I'm gonna get screwed is high. Oh joy.

Hello New Year!

2011-01-01T02:38:00.003+08:00

My New Year's Eve was greeted by a stiff neck. And i've never felt so good! For almost 10 minutes the sky was illuminated by flashes of light, a shower of reds and greens, and a bit of purples and pinks. It was the most inexplicably wonderful feeling. Just viewing the fireworks gave me a really happy feeling. I've been low on hope by the end of 2010, but now I feel recharged and positive.

Cheers to a happy 2011.

Suppose you were on a sinking boat with two people, who would you save?

2010-12-29T18:12:00.000+08:00

Suppose you were on a sinking boat with two people, who would you save? The guy who's closer to you? The guy who looks better? The guy that's kind? The guy you like? I would save the one that cannot swim.

what happens after you "move on"?

2010-11-23T19:44:00.000+08:00

what have i done so far?

Apart from trying to convince myself that i can still manage to make things work, i was stuck in this time frame where i was in between misery and uncertainty.

And now that I like to think that I am out of that self-made grave, I take a peep down that hole and I see the loneliness, and I look at what's behind me and I see that the world has moved on----the world did not wait for me to recover. I was...insignificant.

And now I start again. I try to walk with simple baby steps. Little by little I get through stages that were once too painful to even imagine myself doing. But when I try to see how others are doing, I stagger and fall on my knees. My very insides are crying why and how can my former world simply forget about me. Then suddenly the truth which I had been denying creeps up behind me, and whispers to my ear, "You were the one who left first. Now the world has left you. Do you want to get away from this misery forever?" I feel the coldness drag me back to the grave where I had spent a good deal of time wallowing in self pity. My sight is starting to blur. I feel my strength leaving me. I fall down face first on the hard ground as I was dragged....and my soul is crying to the heavens to save me........

I hate cold weather...

the Maladaptive Daydream Disorder post

2010-11-22T23:51:00.013+08:00

One Monday afternoon I googled "mental disorder symptom often daydream", and it led me to several sites wherein I was introduced to Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder (MDD). One is a blog where the blogger sorta shared her experience. And upon reading, I knew that we both share this extremely active imagination that is affecting my day-to-day actions.

I initially did not want to believe in MDD, primarily because I can't trust self made diagnosis that is based on googled sites. Also, believing I have MDD would mean I am mad, although not as much as people with schizophrenia.

I think I started to have MDD when I was 15. We moved to a different house so the travel I had to go to school was longer. It was then during the commute where I can find my mind flying, and imagine something exciting happening to me while I was on a bus, like my crush getting on the bus, or sometimes I get paranoid and feel that the man with a huge acne problem two seats away from me is going to hijack the bus, but then upon the hijacking I realize I have a sleeping talent for karate and I do some kick-ass moves on him and his accomplice standing near the driver.

Sometimes I think that such imagination was a product of boredom during the commute, but then usually I'm only imagining when I am not tired. So what does that mean?

Also, it was around that time when I started to watch movies and TV series. Because of the long time for commute, I come home late, and I go to bed late to finish all school work and watch the shows I follow. I would fancy myself as a gorgeous 5'11" skinny model who hopes to still be in the running of becoming America's next top model. I even had extremely detailed scenarios where I am inside the model house...At that point, I thought it was perfectly normal to dream of such. Hell, there were crossovers from a completely different show, like having Shawn Michaels, Stewie Griffin, or Barney Stinson show up randomly in some of the dreams.

I have to admit TV is a major part of the daydream process...until college.

When college started, I pretty much stopped following the shows I follow. During highschool, socializing happens only within the school. But with college, socializing just outside your dorm room. I became focused on studies, friends, and partying. And sleep. Lots of sleep.

I noticed I was still daydreaming, though the content was different. Because of many circumstances, I drew material for my daydreams from movies and plays I watched. AND the dreams have become significantly more detailed.

Again, daydreaming was triggered because of media. Nothing from personal experience is involved too much....until a rather dramatic change happened to me during college.

My personality changed. And so have the dreams.

My failed relationships, the crushed dreams, the pain....at one point I think I've gone crazy. I became socially withdrawn. I didn't talk to people in classes. I became the resident loner.

Maybe it was because I wasn't keen on letting go, but there was a point where I would be pacing around talking to someone, getting angry with him, then eventually cry. And of course, the scene involved cinematic effects. Even the simple act of eating breakfast took me more than one hour because I would stare at the empty chair opposite me, and I would think I was having a conversation with a person.

Because there are a lot of mirrors, I would often check them to see my reflection, much like to check the different "angles" of the scenes.

I took twice as much time taking a bath because when I'm at the bathroom, my imagination gets to be active, especially when I look at the mirror. Sometimes I think I just want to be an actress. I laugh, I cry, I talk to the mirror. But I think that was also part of a dream where I aspired to be an actress, but I didn't think I could do it but luckily one day an open audition was happening nearby and a friend persuaded me to accompany her but I got the major part instead. And the movie I auditioned went on to win an Academy Award and I instantly became a star, became a legend by winning 5 back-to-back Oscars in 5 years in the Best Actress category. It was a good thing I had a successful career because I was a failure in the personal relationships category. My boyfriend followed me to Hollywood, and he became known as the "my date to premieres". Even if he wasn't like most of my male lead costars I chose to stay with him, until he was in an accident and died, leaving me with 3 children, one of which is yet to be born. Because all the children were not known by media, i go home to his parents' house to ask to take care of them. Also to arrange the funeral. It was the year I was going to win my 5th Oscar, and I delivered the most powerful speech anyone has ever heard. And I was 8 months pregnant then. Then when I turned 27 I was also involved in a tragic ski accident, killing me and the children. Then the media started to write about me; they created books, documentaries about the life that was lost, the star who burned out too early and joined the 27 club.

So that was one of the most insane bathroom daydreams I had. I think that was the reason I was late for class on that day.

So this kind of daydreaming happened 90% of my waking time, and the remaining 10% devoted to crying, eating, breathing and other activities.

Somehow that kind of extreme daydreaming doesn't happen anymore.

Most of the time now I imagine myself talking to some stranger who is figment of my imagination. We talk about anything and everything. Hell, we even fight with each other, sometimes the imaginary dude acting as my conscience. But we seem to talk more often than before. The wild media-fueled imaginations are decreasing but the psychedelic conversations with that imaginary guy is making up for it. I just lay in bed for hours talking to him/her/it, once even until 4am.

Daydreaming has started to affect my activities. I have no interest in the things I like anymore. I just wanted to contemplate and speak with imaginary dude. On the bright side, I became an introvert, unlike the chatterbox that I was until a couple of years ago, because I am embarrassed that I might be ridiculed if I am caught talking to no one.

It was me with MDD through the years. Or maybe it was just my intense [but completely on a normal scale] imaginative juices flowing. I'm not sure. But I want to rid myself of this habit. It's starting to affect my productivity, and when I'm not outside pretending to be the sunny person that I am not, I go back to talk to imaginary friend.

the monotony of this thing called "life"

2010-11-21T17:39:00.003+08:00

6am--Wake up
6:10--bath
6:45--breakfast
7:10--leave for school

Day in day out, that is the plan.

Sometimes I forget the point of going to my classes. I habitually come late for class, sometimes skipping even if i'm right outside the classroom, and when I do come to class I find myself drawing Jack doodles on the back of my notebook to pass time. More often than not I daydream in class; I imagine the instructor wearing something ridiculous. Sometimes I would invent scenarios in my head worthy of winning an Academy-award for Best Original Screenplay. I'd often look outside the classroom and observe the faces of the people passing by. I'd try my very best to not fall asleep during class, and when the professor finally says "okay, we will continue the discussion on Wednesday" my senses become sharper and the drowsiness I've felt like two minutes ago was gone.

After class I would find myself not knowing what to do. I have several options:
[a] go to the library to sleep

[b] buy something to eat

[c] go outside to smoke

[d] go home

[e] go to tambayan

[f] ride the jeep so you can make the choice later.

Normally, I take [f] the jeep where I [a] sleep for a few minutes and then I would go down near some food stall so I can [b] buy something to eat and afterwards i'd [c] smoke and then i'd [e] go to the tambayan. And much much later I'd [d] go home.

That's basically what goes on every day.

I barely study anymore. I just don't see the point anymore.

I am no longer remotely interested in anything I used to appreciate so much.

I am essentially just a ghost of my former self; an empty shell who retained my former self's appearance.

Am I angry? Am I depressed?

No. I think I'm not.

I'm simply empty.

i am not a story teller

2010-11-21T17:28:00.003+08:00

Do you know what's important in a movie?

Yes, the story.

Yes, that's right. But I think the way the story is told is more important.

I agree that that is also important, but the story itself the more important, I think.

----silence----

Really?

Really.

The story of my life is basically crap. Would you think my life story is crappy had it been made to a movie?

uh...

I know how to tell my crappy life story in a way that you would be interested. And after I tell you that, you can't say my life is crappy anymore.

another year has passed

2010-10-11T00:44:00.003+08:00

Happy birthday to me

I'm studying cs140

that's my brain cells' party

How old am I now?

I'm 19, and i'm waiting

for his very late greeting

How much is too much?

2010-09-06T20:12:00.000+08:00

I never thought I would be interested in a person who is already involved in a relationship. His touch reminds me of something familiar, something I associate with chicken soup, feet warmed by socks, and hot chocolate.

The weird thing is that I am physically rejecting any touch from a male. I feel cold and the ends of my hair stand when a male touches me. It's weird. Even male friends who I knew all my young adult life make me feel that way.

Although I have a mountain-load of problems to worry about, whenever I am alone (especially during my commute home), I think about him, and I find it extremely weird and annoying because we don't share interests. And I barely know him.

Maybe the reason he keeps popping into my thoughts is that I like the way he calls my name. It makes me feel like I am someone special. Yes, I know I mustn't get used to this. This budding feeling is wrong.

nakakainis ka teh

2010-08-26T00:42:00.004+08:00

So I've confirmed that one of the people I'm currently rubbing shoulders with does not like me. GOOD. I also don't like her.

She think I'm mataray---I that get all the time---and that's perfectly fine with me. I find her extremely cheap. She's not what you would call a "street" girl; I think she's a rich brat, but she speaks like a palengkera, and I can't stand the sound of her voice, and her English---gahd---her awful English. You should look at her Facebook page to see all the uncalled for things she placed in her profile about herself. Talk about narcissist. LOL. Point is, there were lots of grammatical lapses, mistakes in spelling (how can she even commit spelling errors when the online dictionary is just a mouse click away??), and just plain wrong usage of words. You'd be ROTFL your ass off.

She pretty much contradicts herself. She's a hardcore shiny, nonbiodegradable plastic.

I FORGOT I WAS BORN A FAILURE

2010-08-20T11:39:00.003+08:00

I'M SO SICK OF EVERYTHING. I WANNA STOP EVERYTHING AND JUST GO HOME WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT ANY FUCKING THING.

listening to: 241 (My Favorite Song)

2010-08-17T23:56:00.004+08:00

I don't think it's my fault I can't produce tears at will. I'm no actor.

I'm so used to being alone so having people around me feels strange. Baka ma-spoil na ako nyan. I must not get used to this.

self check

2010-08-10T02:44:00.003+08:00

I can't believe I'm saying this but I think I've already gotten over the pain of transferring to Diliman and the pain of leaving very important people. It feels weird, knowing that I've kept all the strong emotions in this air-tight container and buried it deep inside me. So now I'm confused on what to feel. I should be happy, right? Or should I be guilty?

I think I need a therapist...

update

2010-08-05T22:53:00.001+08:00

For quite some time I've been feeling like an empty shell.

I've filled the emptiness with something I like to call DISTRACTION, but now I am removing all that so I can start investing emotionally again.

To lock away all the pain and throw away the key, that is my plan. Fuck the person who dares open the emotional crate and restart the waterworks mess.

just an update

2010-07-14T20:21:00.004+08:00

I may be a person who is indecisive, but I really hate it when they think i am a person without morals, without principles.

There's a lot going on in my life right now, and that does not even concern life in the university, life outside the university, and definitely not life as a normal 18 year old. Everything i do right that seem to take so much of my time--studies, work, org--those are merely distractions from the pathetic life i am trying to conceal. What really ticks me off is that i can't disclose what this is. And i because it can't say it, i can't give it as an excuse, which really just makes me look like a complete unreliable fool who has no principles.

subconscious mind is typing...

2010-07-06T22:33:00.002+08:00

I'm starting to accept the fact that I am living in the gray part of my newly begun "adult" life.

I can no longer find myself in either end of the once familiar street; matter fact, i think i just paved my own dirt road from the main street of life. My life that is.

I'm sinking to mediocrity, which isn't too bad after all; at least i can now say i'm almost a clinical observer of the human kind.

Lack of sleep is getting to me. I think the dark circles under my eyes are going to be permanent thing now. *Sigh*

Wait, I just remembered something: I am an adult according to the law, and I can get arrested for some things. But a major step for me was when I started buying "embarrassing" things for myself. And no, not lingerie (I love shopping for lingerie) but more like...uh, i don't think i'll say it after all.

All I can say is that I'm sorta proud of myself (or not).

I'm not making any sense. I need some shut eye. I'll be awake after 3 hours to study...

happiness?

2010-06-26T00:10:00.002+08:00

There was only one point in my adult life where I was never hug-deprived. Now that's over, it's back to me asking for hugs...actually forcing myself on my close friends.

Today I was feeling like shit as usual (well, only recently though), so I hugged a friend. I just wanted a hug. Later that night, i've found out that this friend was actually having a tough day herself, so she thanked me for hugging her.

It's little things like that that make me happy.

nothing good ever happens after 3 AM

2010-05-21T22:43:00.001+08:00

I shaved the sides of my head in the wee hours of Sunday. Or was it Saturday?

Doesn't matter.

I can't post any pictures of this incident since i look pretty stupid.

I just had to do it at the time. It was reckless.

Oh yea, and it was during that time when I chopped my hair.

Yes, my long hair.

How long?

Oh, the longest reached just about my ankles.

No, kidding.

It reached my waist. That's all.

No biggie. I mean, I needed to chop it off anyway.

Why? Because at that moment that's what my brain is telling me what to do.

creepy but rather accurate!

2010-05-14T20:28:00.002+08:00

DO NOT CHEAT OR IT WON'T WORK AND YOU WILL WISH YOU HADN'T.

TAKES 3 MINUTES
TRY THIS - IT WILL FREAK YOU OUT

THIS GAME HAS A FUNNY / CREEPY OUTCOME.
//yeah, that's why I'm reposting this..

DO NOT READ AHEAD, JUST DO IT.

IT TAKES ABOUT 3 MINUTES - WORTH A TRY (Uh-huh. :> Hits quite some spots. -Mo)

1st. Get a PEN and PAPER

2nd. WHEN CHOOSING NAMES, MAKE SURE THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE THAT YOU ACTUALLY KNOW.

3rd. GO WITH YOUR FIRST INSTINCT!!!!! It's very important for good results.

4th SCROLL DOWN

ONE LINE AT A TIME
DON'T READ AHEAD
otherwise
YOU WILL RUIN THE FUN.

1. On a blank sheet of paper, WRITE
NUMBERS 1 through 11 in a COLUMN on
the LEFT.

2. Next to the NUMBERS 1 & 2,

WRITE DOWN ANY 2 NUMBERS YOU WANT.

DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE NUMBER?

3. Next to the NUMBERS 3 & 7,

WRITE DOWN THE NAMES OF TWO MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX. SAME SEX IF YOU'RE GAY.

CAUTION: DO NOT LOOK AHEAD or IT WILL NOT TURN OUT RIGHT.

4. WRITE ANYONE'S NAME

(like FRIENDS or FAMILY...)
next to 4, 5, & 6.

DON`T CHEAT OR YOU'LL BE UPSET THAT YOU DID.

5. WRITE down FOUR SONG TITLES in 8, 9, 10, & 11

6. Finally,

MAKE A WISH

ARE YOU READY?
HERE IS THE KEY TO THE GAME

1. THE NUMBER of PEOPLE THAT LIKE YOU
is found in

SPACE 2
//really? HAHA.

2. THE PERSON IN SPACE

3 IS THE ONE YOU LOVE
//i guess if this person appears in my bizarre dreams for no apparent reason...wait no no no. That can't be right, right? He is, err, an impossible catch? lol

3. THE PERSON YOU LIKE but your
relationship CANNOT WORK is in

SPACE 7 -
//DAMN THIS IS SO DARN TRUE. HAHA. But then in the instruction it said write down the names of persons of the opposite sex...so i naturally wrote the person i like.
.

4. YOU CARE MOST about the PERSON you
put in

SPACE 4
//err, right.

5. THE PERSON YOU NAME IN NUMBER 5 IS
THE ONE WHO

KNOWS YOU VERY WELL.
//TRUE!!!

6. THE PERSON YOU NAMED IN 6 IS YOUR

LUCKY STAR

7. THE SONG IN 8 IS THE SONG THAT
MATCHES WITH THE

PERSON IN NUMBER 3
//"Make me wanna die"? I just wrote that down 'cuz it's been in my head for the past 3 days..

8. THE TITLE IN 9 IS THE SONG FOR THE

PERSON IN 7

9. THE 10TH SPACE IS THE SONG THAT
TELLS YOU MOST ABOUT
YOUR MIND
//You Oughta Know by Alanis Morrissette...it could be true

10. AND 11 IS THE SONG TELLING HOW YOU
FEEL ABOUT LIFE
// Bulletproof by La Roux. lol. I just heard this on some game, but it kinda stood out in my mind...

11. NUMBER 1 IS YOUR
LUCKY NUMBER

repost this
WITHIN AN HOUR OF READING THIS.

IF YOU DO, YOUR WISH WILL COME TRUE.

//i reposted this 'cuz I had to wish for something for my acad standing..it's not like i'll lose anything if i tried. :P

jollyfeet

2010-04-28T04:47:00.006+08:00

I love sketching my feet.

Apparently, they're the body parts I can draw without much effort since feet don't move uncontrollably unlike other body parts.

Seriously, I need to work on my perspective. :|

writer you are?

2010-04-26T00:07:00.002+08:00

it's hard to fall in love with a writer. he'll write bad stuff about you after your relationship.

you are immortalized.

you will be the playgirl in a song, or a slut-for-all in a story, or the unrequited love in a movie.

but writers are so romantic. hard not to fall for them.

don't fall for me, okay? *wink*

inspirational?

2010-04-21T22:48:00.003+08:00

Damn, I was so dissappointed with AI contestants tonight. Inspirational songs you say? Nothing was inspirational, and even if I think Lee and Crystal did much better than the others, I still say that tonight's show wasn't too great.

Inspiration is something that I always bring around with me...like it's a piece of accessory that I always carry around. I just need a moment to open my bag of thoughts and dig in for the perfect inspiration and then I could instantly make magic.

No, I'm not Harry Potter. You know what I mean by magic.

So, with songs, it just makes the searching much much faster. Normally I can find inspiration in O(n) time, but songs makes it O(log n).

My favorite inspirational song would be Brighter Than Sunshine by Aqualung. Really beautiful. The sort that makes you believe in the truth in love, the sincerity of passion, all those pure mushy things.

But a song doesn't have to be a love song to make a song inspirational...I think. I don't know, but any uplifting song I consider as inspirational. I mean, there's nothing like hearing a song and forgetting the fact that you've lost a thousand bucks.

Those songs exists...I think.

If only I was updated with the music scene I would've made this post much much longer. But all I see on Myx are asian boy bands. O well, I'll wait when the craze is over.

---> Currently can't get "If I Never Knew You" from my head. Disney songs are so damn strongly unforgettable

not exactly worst case but...

2010-04-18T20:06:00.003+08:00

Alright. My not-so-recent post contained loads of waffle about me failing every darn subject, but it turns out I only failed one...so far.

Beggars can't be choosers. I'd rather fail every GE subject than the one major I really really really need to pass. And miraculously, I passed! That dreadful major--CS32--is no longer an obstacle to my CS path. I was positively sure I would really fail. I already accepted the suspected failure, which is why I enlisted on the same course without even seeing my actual grade.

Then, it happened.

I still had a student at that time, but we were wrapping up already, I think.

I checked CRS if there were any updates on my other subjects, and I happened to notice that figure next to the 3 unit credts which is next to my instructor's name...

3.0

Wait, what?

3.0

I'm dreaming, aren't I?

I had to stare at the screen just to make sure my eyes weren't playing any tricks on me.

I passed? I PASSED. YES I DID! OH MY.....

My brain was filled with an unknown fluid that's really charging up my mood, uplifting my spirit, and basically just making my whole body tingle with ecstasy.

I've never tried any stimulants, nor any drugs for that matter, but damn, I felt like I've taken crack at that time. So euphoric...I can't even describe the feeling.

I even babbled about it to my student, who seemed a bit surprised with the sudden change of topic. My bad.

Really, I was even praying for a 4.0 but I got a 3.0. That's really...uh, I'm not gonna say, maybe it was a big mistake, but if it was, please let it not be discovered.

I now view my instructor in a whole new [positive] light.

And to think I intended to send him a dead lizard with both hands nailed, like it was crucified.

Man, was I a bad student..

Anyway, cheers to my new found path. I'm probably going to finish this course. :)

tama nga naman

2010-03-31T22:46:00.002+08:00

"Wala sa mga tinginan ang pag-ibig, wala sa mga luha, wala sa mga pantasya.

Ang pag-ibig ay nasa hawakan ng kamay,

haplusan ng balat, halikan ng labi"

worst case?

2010-03-22T09:02:00.003+08:00

i'm failing at least three subjects--two majors, and one required subject.

i don't care.

I am blogging because I have a mountain load of topics to study, and i simply don't care anymore.

I never failed anything, but if feeling hopeless, inferior, and powerless leads up to failure, then I guess I'm well on my way.

ONE DAY I WILL LOOK BACK AT THIS POST AND FEEL LIKE I MESSED UP MY CHANCE.

I'm sorry, future self.

I'm sleepy, my mind isn't processing information, I have a sore throat, my back hurts...basically there's something wrong with me physically.

And yes, I am merely using that as an excuse.

I can't stand studying for something I don't know if I even like.

Three years ago I imagined myself doing something *fabulous*.

Nothing fancy or posh, but fabulous in our dictionary. Like doing something artsy fartsy, or doing math. Just plain math. Remember, you felt like your calling is in the field of math, even though you particularly suck at it.

So please, future self, remember that day wherein you saw your partial grades in one subject I like to call Data Structures, and you felt like shit because you were so damn sure you might at least get a passing grade.

Hell, I feel so bad i don't even know if i'm having typos or committing grammatical lapses. I don't care.

Really, as if you care as well.

No wait, maybe you do care. I wonder what you might be doing now?

Are you procrastinating yet again?

Finding ways to get away from studying...exploring the different folders of your laptop, clicking different links on your browser, until you realized you wasted two hours for something unimportant.

Are you still online in any of the Instant Messagers? Don't you wanna log off?

Are you waiting for someone so you could waste another hour chatting about something you already talked about for like a million times?

I feel guilty.

I am doing all those.

Well, I did those yesterday. I am now blogging..

So sayonara my future self.

This is the day you felt like dog crap.

This is the day you felt like giving up on the system of education. Of learning for learning's sake.

I study to pass. I don't study to understand. (at least theoretical concepts, but not in Math)

a deal with myself

2010-03-20T00:02:00.002+08:00

if i pass CS 32 this sem, I am going to get my tongue pierced.

And I will quit drinking.

but of course, magpapainom muna ako bago ako tuluyang huminto. =)

amazing

2010-03-13T18:54:00.002+08:00

Why am I such a failure?

HONESTLY, I don't give a damn on whether I fail in class or not, but I do care on what the people depending on me think.

I am amazingly talented at rants. Where is the Rant Brat of the Year award?

beautiful, hurtful liars

2010-03-10T23:37:00.000+08:00

How long does it take for you to keep on telling a lie until the person you are lying to finds out?

When you are lying to a person, you kill them day by day. You turn into a monster, until the monster inside of you consumes you, and your existence is erased.

Beautiful words, hurtful words...beautiful is hurtful, hurtful is beautiful. The world won't right itself, and you will be plagued by guilt forever.

I die. You die. Because of a lie.

wedding song?

2010-03-02T01:06:00.003+08:00

Now And Forever has always been a favorite song of mine, and I thought that it would be the song that is perfect for my wedding..or maybe Butterfly Kisses, but that song only comes to my mind whenever I imagine my dad crying over at my wedding.

But recently, I thought an OPM would be better, or maybe a Filipino version of a foreign song would be better.

BALISONG

Your face

lights up the sky on the highway

someday

you share your world with me

someday

You mesmerize me, with diamond eyes

I try to fool myself to think i'll be alright

but i am losing all control, my mind, my heart, my body and my soul.

never in my life have i been more sure

so come on up to me and close the door

nobody's made me feel this way before

you're everything i wanted and more

just be corupt too, where to begin

a great delema im finding myself thin

for all i know you only see me as a friend

i try to tell myself wake up fool

this fairy tale's got to end

never in my life have a been more sure

so come on up to me and close the door

nobody's made me feel this way before

you're everything i wanted...

never in my life have i been more sure

so come on up to me and close the door

nobody's made me feel this way before

you're everything i wanted and more

you're everything i wanted.

4:13 AM random thoughts

2010-02-25T04:01:00.003+08:00

1) When guilt arises, you know you did something wrong.

I just felt like I am perfectly skilled in severing bonds with other people without meaning to.

I can only wish that I'm also as skilled in recreating those bonds.

2) When you start to question yourself if you love a person, then you probably don't love that person anymore.

Even the littlest of things that this person does irritates the hell out of me. Sad. I just don't love you the way I used to.

3) Just when you thought of doing something good, some random event happens and you think, "why, of all the days..?"

I want to study. I want to go to class. I want to be early in class. I want to listen to the instructor. I want to take down notes. I want to answer questions. I want to participate in class.

BUT NO.

The universe conspired that I be absent, that I get mental blocks during exams, that I pass half-answered bluebooks.

4) We never outgrow our insecurities.

We just learn to live with it, and we eventually find people who will try their hardest to make us feel better about our broken selves.

haircut

2010-02-22T01:26:00.004+08:00

i'm thinking of having my hair cut.

it's been over a year since I visited a hairdresser to get a proper haircut.

So, I'm thinking of having my hair cut up to my chin. I've had long hair for so long, i forgot what it's like to brush my hair just until up to my ears.

Besides, i haven't been taking care of my hair at all...i don't even bother brushing it all the way to the ends.

I just wish I had straight, sleek hair so then I can finally try a bob cut. And I want a haircut that doesn't make my face look very very small.

Just a Nirvana song

2010-02-19T19:38:00.006+08:00

RAPE ME

Rape me, rape me my friend

Rape me, rape me again

I'm not the only one

Hate me, do it and do it again

Waste me

Rape me, my friend

My favourite inside source

I'll kiss your open sores

Appreciate your concern

You'll gonna stink and burn

Rape me, rape me my friend

Rape me, rape me again

I'm not the only one

Rape me (rape me)

Rape me

------------------------------

This probably is my third favorite song of Nirvana. I especially like the last part where Kurt is practically screamin' "Rape Me!" as if to dare someone to really rape him. I really don't understand the song (I mean, does anyone even have the slightest idea on how Cobain's mind work?)

ANYWAY,

I just woke up this morning to bad news.

I had an EPIC failure in an exam in one of my majors. It's not just a fail. It's an EPIC EFFIN' FAIL.

Not that I'm too bothered with it..I kinda saw it happening, but I didn't expect my score to be so friggin' low.

BLAHBLAH...rant rant.

there are people you just can't seem to like

2010-02-15T09:04:00.002+08:00

the title says it all.

Once upon a time there was a person I didn't like.

One look, and I knew we will never become buddies, much less close friends.

Then, in a series of unfortunate events, I grew to unlike this person more.

This person has nothing special about their self, and the more that I think about it, the more fault I see in their personality.

And this person once made me look bad in their circle of friends.

Not that I still care. EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT REALLY HAPPENED.

Anyway, it's not just me who gets bothered.

We all leave our drama in high school. Some of us has a clutch purse of drama. A few has a tote drama bag.

This person has a mini-van of drama. Talk about mobility, and at the same time, the unneccessary, unwarranted drama brought around by that person.

Shoot me if I started hanging out with this person, please?

Back

2010-02-14T23:58:00.004+08:00

It's been months since I last posted here on my blogspot.

Many things happened.
I'm on an on-and-off relationship with cigarettes.
I got a new part time job.
I had been reported missing in the news.
I (along with my family) had suffered from the Ondoy typhoon (hence the "missing in the news")
I got over my suicidal phase (thanks to Ondoy)

But many things still stay the same:
My hair is still long.
I still don't like combing my hair.
I still am stick thin.
I still miss (and love) UPLB MASS.
I still haven't failed anything (yet).

Just so you know, I locked my blogspot for months because...gah, I can't remember my reason! But really, there is no reason for my to lock this, since the people who used to read my posts no longer visit this blog.

Check-up 2

2009-08-23T18:22:00.003+08:00

I have been doing a lot of self-therapy lately.

I would lock myself in the bathroom where I would let all negative energy flow into me...and then, with tremendous effort, I refrain myself from crying. Whenever I see my face screwed up because of trying to prevent tears from falling, I feel happy and incredibly sad at the same time.

During those times, I would sincerely wish that I'd reach a happy place to equal out all the tears I shed and the fears I had during my most painful times. I would hope that one day when I look at myself in the mirror, I would see someone whose eyes echo love and happiness.

I would emerge from the bathroom when I have gotten rid of the redness in my eyes, and try to be as radiant as the sun...as many people expect me to be.

Also, I started making sketches of the future me...I liked the way my hands know how to express my feelings more than my lips...It seems I am not gifted with expressing myself plainly.

Check-up 1

2009-08-20T21:43:00.001+08:00

A couple of nights ago I was crying my eyeballs out. I went to bed in the wee hours of the morning, and rain was pouring steadily. The atmosphere, the coldness, the loneliness...I was loaded with very negative emotions then. I could not help but cry. I was crying, clutching my pillow pretending it was the person I love. It was pathetic...I was pathetic. I was foolishly asking for a miracle--that this nonliving pillow hug me back. It was so pathetic that even trying to remember it makes my face cringe in disgust.

I am blogging this because this will be my self generated therapy for the brokenhearted.

Also, today, I bought a sketchbook because there are times when I just can't write my feelings down because emotions were getting in the way of writing,and sketching comes more naturally during such times. Therefore, if I can, I will post those sketches.

she who takes my hand

2009-08-17T13:52:00.002+08:00

For quite a time now, I've been a mess. I found it painful to write. I deceived others, many of my friends, even the ones I trust my life with. I told lies that I myself came to believe were true. Struggling with pain, living with it...I am weak. I have not tolerated with anything like this for so long. If only there was a distraction...Maybe if a new pain would come, then this wave of loneliness and suffering will end, and a new --but a different--wave will come...that could be somehow easier to bear.

I found consolation in my drawing. Writing was of no help anymore. I am merely blogging today because I felt elated after having some shut eye that never felt so...refreshing. I woke up to a rainy Monday afternoon, and it is nice. And I am now thinking, how nice this could be if I am with my lover right now, in each others arms, watching the raindrops fall from the cloudy sky. The warmth shared, the bodies pressed against each other. Time is irrelevant, and nothing matters except the present.

But now I am pulled back to reality. I'm finding that I seem to take off lately...or, for lack of better word, daydream. I would stare at some inanimate object, and I would fancy it dancing tango with itself. Oh, such vivid hallucinations that I feel like I'm going crazy. Maybe crazy enough to take me as someone suitable to lock up in an institution.

No, I still know reality. I am typing now, with no idea on how this post will end. I mentioned I found meaning in the drawings I draw when my mind is at its freest. I want moving drawings. Drawings with movements. I wanted to look at my drawing and see action...see movement...see it live.

I close my eyes and picture in my mind the movement. My body would feel the sensation. The wind against my face, my feet dangling carelessly, the sound of my clothes flapping as gravity pulls me down. My heart races as I fall from the impossibly bright sky.

I would open my eyes and try to remember the sensation I felt. I would grab a pen and draw curves. Add lines. Until I see the base of the movement I want to see in my sketch.

I do not know how to explain this. I no longer care how I may grow up without fully understanding this that I am going through. Maybe I am not meant to understand it. In the future, maybe be I will look back and say that was the most "far out" thing that I have done. Would I be sentimental, like I am now?

If there is a living soul who knows the answer to that question, and to the million others I have, then I don't want to meet that person. Only until this point that I am afraid of not knowing the answers. I always had to know the outcome, or at least know the possible outcomes. I must stop caring about that. Therefore I take joy in what I am doing presently, even if I have to order myself to do so. My drawings speak to me words as such. My hallucinations tell me of criticisms.

Now the words that my fingers form is telling me this: THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO LIFE. GO ON, AND LIVE. WHEN YOU STAY IN THE DARK, ONLY MISERY IS YOUR COMPANY, AND THE LONGER YOU STAY THERE THE HARDER YOU WILL FIND IT TO ATTACH YOURSELF TO THE LIGHT. Come back. Don't drown. Please.

SONA 2009

2009-07-27T17:27:00.000+08:00

I hated PGMA's dress. But that's beside my real intention of blogging.

This was the first time I watched SONA with much interest. I primarily wanted to watch it because I was curious if PGMA would [yet again] say things that pretty much covered the achievements of her whole TERM, not merely of the past year.

And I was damn right.

OF course, I give her props for being less of an image-conscious president, rather than a Popular President Craphead.

For the record, I am not against PGMA, but I am not a big fan of hers.

I think that an economist such as herself, it is most important to force laws and legislation that would be beneficial in the long run. Much like swallowing a bitter pill.

I have to admit, she is a much better president than the other Female president (OK Cory-lovers. I know you hate me).

Really. I don't know why people kept accusing PGMA of using her power for personal reasons, but if you're the president, and if you're under a microscope 24/7, don't you think it's quite foolish for you to attempt to steal as much as someone's pantyhose under the nose of your political enemies?

The Congress. PGMA kept on saying "Congress, thank you." But now that I think about it, the Congress are quite sluggish in the whole let's-make-the-country-a-better-nation. They're late in evaluating laws and bill and everything. They focus on investigations and the like. O c'mon. The president will always take the blame for the things that don't happen because they focus on things that they are not supposed to be focusing on. And when I say "they", I meant the Congress and the Senate.

But that may be caused by the unfriendliness among them. I could care less, actually, if it wasn't for the fact that their stupid actions have an indirect effect on me. C'mon people. The voting populace put you in a position so that you'd do things to improve the lives of the common Filipino. Forget about your political enemies for even a second!

I can't believe I'm agreeing wholeheartedly with PGMA, but I was really impressed when she addressed the presidentiables that if they want to do good, they should work it good, do well, and something along those lines. That is to say, don't be all talk (like Chiz Escudero. Sorry Fans). Don't be all Popularity (ahem, hello Mar Roxas). Don't be all about unfound accusations and looking clean to the media (Loren, anyone?). Don't be all My-detractors-are-liars-pity-me-I-came-from-a-poor-family (Vvvvillar). I didn't mean to mention Chiz Escudero because he's no presidentiable, but he's the perfect example.

So, back to PGMA. I think GMA did an OK job as president. Not bad. Not good. Just OK. Because she has laid the foundation (I hope) for the next president to bring our nation to greatness (if the next president has the ability to do so). PGMA took the blame, the less-than-friendly criticisms, to make the economy grow a bit. Well, good job girl! Just don't ever ever ever think of extending your power.

can't help being emo this time

2009-07-20T18:36:00.003+08:00

Everyday I wake up.
Six times a week, I watch crap on TV.
Five times a week, I stay up late doing crapwork.
Four times a week, I go to school.
Three times a week, I go to a mall.
Two times a week, I smoke.
Once a week, I watch a movie online.

Boring. Everything is boring.

Even though it hurts, I manage to eat, sleep, and breathe.

I can't move on...because every time I see a speck of the future, I am reminded of the past which was both beautiful and painful. Fuck it. I want to get rid of everything that is connected to my past. I want to throw everything outside my window, and burn those to ashes, but I can't. I want to change my name, and my face. I want to live under a new identity. I want to start anew. I can't help it. But I can't let go of the past. The more I try to move on, the harder it becomes.

I want to be content. I feel like I'm rotting from the inside because of the hurt that resides within me, and I don't want that. And now I'm crying dammit. Tonight I know I would go to bed and think of the what-ifs. I would feel terrible. I would feel empty. I would feel pain beyond measure.

Now I'm a crappy emo.
AND I FUCKING HATE IT.

Miss Mediocre

2009-07-19T20:02:00.003+08:00

I feel packing my bags and going someplace else these days. I don't know where exactly where to go, but I know exactly who I'd go to. I could go NORTH, or SOUTH. Whichever, really. I still haven't decided.

I want to go a place where I am pushed to my limits. Where I can see what on earth I am meant to do with my life. I'm in college, but pretty much clueless about the future. I want to go to a place where if I fuck up, I would be the only one to take the blame. I want to go to a place where all major decisions about my life is decided by me, and only me.

I'm turning eighteen in less than three months, and I haven't done anything in my life. I don't have a job, I don't do well in school, I don't have a special skill. I'm average. Mediocre. I can do things other people would consider a skill, but I can just do it. I don't do it well. I don't do it good enough to make me earn money that way. I draw. But I can't draw portraits using chalk and charcoal that's good enough to sell to art patrons. I play musical instruments. But I not good enough to give me a chance for a life as a rock star. I do programming. But I don't program well enough to make companies hire me (not that I'm currently looking for a job as a programmer).

I'm very very very good at being mediocre. I guess that's my talent.

So what could a mediocre being like me do?

Gossip Girl in real life

2009-07-12T01:11:00.001+08:00

I remember the days of ASTIGBATCH blog.
All of a sudden, blogging completely shook the lives of our batch.

I try to recall my reaction was when I first read the posts in the blogs.
I wasn't all offended, because I was never an item, but I was wary because I didn't want strife between students in our batch.

It was all gossip girl-ish, only the blogger wasn't a girl, and what was blogged about wasn't gossip at all. And people don't send gossip to the blogger; more like unspoken truths. But the destruction of someone's reputation, the leaking out of unpleasant information, the outrageous responses from many people, the backlash of the blogger.......very much like Gossip Girl.

During those times, it seemed everyone was online every night, trying to see if there were new posts, or new replies to the posts. It was a guilty pleasure. Most liked hating the blogger. Some liked the people being trashed through the blog. And some liked posting very very very long comments. And the blogger would lash back at them. FUNNY HOW IMMATURE WE ALL WERE. Kinda makes me puke.

Fortunately, chaos ended and everyone resumed to their peaceful(?) lives.

Remembering something unpleasant makes one remember the mistake, and the steps taken (or not taken) to rectify the errors.

Second chances don't exist.

2009-07-03T10:37:00.001+08:00

Last night, I had one of the most unpleasant realizations.

I was watching a series, and there was this supporting character who had been going through a tough time, but she did not get to be with the person she loved. Instead, the boy ended up with another girl with a "sad" past.

It just sucked, y'know. The supporting character's "happy ending" is basically getting over the guy. She didn't have anyone in the end. And it's all because she made mistakes in the past.

After reflecting in the wee hours of the morning, I came to the realization that the world of happy endings has no place for people who made irrevocable mistakes. In other words, second chances don't exist. Those are just words of consolation for people who erred in life. Words of pity.

"There's no need to look back at the wreckage of a past that's already over."
Whoever conceived the idea of letting go of the past must've been highly idealistic. There is no "getting over the past". There is just learning how to deal with all the ordeal that has happened...but that is not the case all the time.

Let's be realistic.

Say, are you likely to get over someone's death because of a blunder of someone you thought was your friend? Or would you be to forget that your boyfriend impregnated someone while you were dating? Or do you think you could overlook the fact that a friend coaxed you to decline an offer of a promotion so you could both resign and build a business together but everything ultimately turned out to be a huge failure?

I hardly think so.

Those who did you wrong, you'd NEVER forget. There may be forgiveness, I guess. But the second chances that are thrown in the way of the erred are not chances to rectify their mistakes. Nor are they chances to do enough right to cancel out the wrong they have done...Those chances are given to the erred so that they may repent, and the "victims" will have someone to blame for the unpleasantness they experience.

So the lesson here is: Don't make mistakes. You will spend the rest of your life trying to erase that in everyone's minds.

I shed all my woes

2009-06-30T20:05:00.003+08:00

Ever since I transferred to UP Diliman from UP Los Banos, I've been getting comments like I looked different somehow. I'm not entirely sure what those comments meant, but I guess I did change ever since I've seen the life I never thought I wanted.

I changed. In a positive way.

From the moment I could thin for myself, until the first semester of Academic Year 2008-2009, I used to think VERY negatively. I hardly saw the beauty in anything, and when I do see it, it was too late. But those days are now part of the past. The transition I experienced was wonderful. I felt like living the present. No worries for tomorrow. For the first time in my life, I felt like my life is truly wonderful. The days that went by were quick, but great all the same. I wake up and look forward to a day filled with laughter everyday. I must be crazy, but I could care less. I was happy.

I started to smile all the time. I smiled at my friends, my professors, even at complete strangers I pass by (sometimes). I shed all my woes. I found out that smiling was the optimism exercise my life needed. I need not carry all my problems and show the world how miserable I am. The world is miserable enough without me making it more so.

The days where I used to stroll around elbi won't ever come back. I could visit from time to time, but it won't feel like I still live there. My heart longs for the beautiful, scenic view of Makiling, but Alas, my wishes would not be granted. I must be contented with what I have now. Yes. I have friends here and there. I won't think ill of them, now that I see that they are genuinely irreplaceable. My heart is torn, but I will manage. I will manage. I will carry my burden magnificently. That is one life lesson the mountains have taught me.

It's a dream.

2009-06-29T00:10:00.004+08:00

It was morning. There was this gathering, and we were all sitting on the newly cut green grass at some camp site. Someone was talking to us, but I wasn't paying any attention. I was just so glad to see everyone whom I left.

Of all the people I left, I greatly missed this one person. But I didn't let any of that show; I treated him the same way I treated other friends. I called out his name, and gave a loud "Hi!" and a small half smile. My insides were dancing, but I managed to keep such excitement in control.

Then the dream skipped a few hours and it was already afternoon.

We were having a game where there are two teams, and the teams are having a tag game, though it was a VERY confusing tag. He and I were in the same team. He acted like some sort of a leader. I was very glad. I had every excuse to stay close to him...like half-embracing him, or like touching his arm lightly, and doing all of it "accidentally". It was not a big deal, but it made me happy nevertheless. We were running around this abandoned building, and it felt like we were in some sort of a movie as we passed classrooms and backed up against walls and listened carefully for any suspicious movements. All the adrenaline rush I felt...was insane!

I was always right behind him as he led our way. When we arrived at a fork, he told the few of us behind him to follow him if he said that the coast is clear. He took the right path, but after 5 long seconds, we knew something had gone wrong. The silence was luring us into a false sense of security. Two more seconds. Then there it was. We heard footsteps coming our way. We scrambled as we ran back to where we came from.

I seemed to have forgotten the path that we took because I ended up at an entirely unfamiliar corridor. I slowed my pace, and walked cautiously further along that corridor. Then I heard faint footsteps, and my heart raced. I went through a door that was nearest to me.

When the door had closed, I closed my eyes, hoping that the footsteps from the other side of the door would drown my intensely loud heartbeat. It was thumping like crazy.

When I opened my eyes, I found out I was in the men's room! I saw the surprised look on two guys' faces before my eyesight failed me. I fainted.

When I woke up, it was already dark. We were back at the campsite (I think), and there was a bonfire where most of the people gathered. I felt sick. Then I saw his back. There was nothing more in this world I wanted more than to hold him. Well, at least, that was what I felt at the time. But, I remembered something unpleasant. I knew he somehow liked a girl, who happened to be a friend of mine.

Oh yeah, she was his friend too.

And what I saw hurt me. He was sitting beside GIRL a bit far from the people gathering around the bonfire. They seemed to be in deep conversation. It's not like I didn't expect it, but the pain, it was unbearable. So I decided to sleep and think about it in the morning. I slipped into my sleeping bag, and I faced away from the sight of the two of them, and shut my eyes, and entered slumberland...

I woke up abruptly. It was still dark. I felt like I haven't slept for more than thirty minutes. I squited my eyes (I wasn't wearing glasses) to see who woke me up.

It was him. He had placed his sleeping bag next to mine. I guess he pulled me to face him, because I was facing the opposite direction when I didn't want to see their lovey-dovey conversation. Then it happened.

But I didn't know how it happened. All I knew was that when he saw that I was awake, his face came closer to mine. I felt his lips against mine, and all I could remember is that all the hurt I've felt when I saw him with her was fading...fast. I was still sleepy, but I was making out with him, and it felt like a dream (yeah, it did, because it was a dream). I was flooded with emotion.

The next morning, I woke up to find him and his sleeping bag gone. And I was spacing out.........I wondered when I'll see him again.

Winter Flowers

2009-06-27T02:02:00.014+08:00

I have never read any manga that really took me by surprise. Winter Flowers came to me as this oneshot about a childhood friendship turned into teenage romance, with an element of tragedy. The usual, y'know. I got it right, but not until the part where it really makes a HUGE difference from other lame oneshots. I was taken aback by one line by Yuudai. I must confess I had never imagined that anything of that sort would happen in those kinds of stories. My eyes were already droopy while reading, but they suddenly lit up when Yuudai said

I give this manga 4.5 out of 5 stars.

Of TV shows like Gossip Girl

2009-06-21T23:41:00.004+08:00

I guess I'm pretty late when it comes to following the latest TV shows. A couple of weeks ago, I started watching Gossip Girl on some site because I was bored. Later on, I actually started to like it! Now I wanted to buy the books.

Three years ago---when I was still in high school---I always pass by a bookstore when I go home. I keep on checking new titles. I saw Gossip Girl, and I thought it sounds interesting, but from the cover, I doubt it would be the sort of book my parent would like me to read. Now a couple of years ago, the TV series debuted, and everyone was raving about it. I didn't care. I had no time for TV during those times anyway.

I'm so glad I started the series! I absolutely love it. Can't wait for the latest season.

i left my heart in Elbi

2009-06-16T21:13:00.004+08:00

It was the first day of classes of my second year in college, and ghad I'm so pissed about it.
For my VERY first class, I was late.
Last class of the day: I fell asleep.

I was a snob, now that I have the time to reflect about my day.
I didn't smile as much as I used to.
I didn't even care to look for goodlooking guys.

I was not being my usual self.

I'm missing Elbi so much.

I miss my dorm mates.
I miss my block mates.
I miss my classmates.
And I terribly miss my brods and sisses.

I miss the mountains.
I miss walking past Makiling School when I go to my classes.
I miss missing my curfew.
I miss sleeping in the dorm.
I miss sleeping at our tambayan.
I miss going to IRRI.
I miss going to my first class without taking a bath.
I miss going to my second class fresh from taking a bath.
I miss the sessions.
I miss the movie nights in the dormitory.
I miss getting scolded by Dora.
I miss going to Physci.
I miss doing the handshake.
I miss watching TV in between classes.
I miss the agawan-the-remote with my dormmates.
I miss the little things I used to do.
I miss elbi.

selfish

2009-06-14T03:22:00.001+08:00

I'm selfish.

For months, all I've been caring about is my own stinkin' selfish self. All I cared about was all about me: my carefree college life, my confusing relationship with a known player, my psychological issues, my life outside the confines of the house, et cetera. ALL ABOUT ME.

I forgot what the real value of money meant. I forgot that I am not the least unlucky, though I may have been having a bit of a hard time. I forgot that other people have suffered more than me.

I forgot. That's all there is to it. I'm selfish.

But I will not be so modest as to take all the blame, because I wouldn't be this selfish had I known some of the things that I was supposed to be aware of.

Constellation in July

2009-06-10T21:25:00.002+08:00

CONSTELLATION IN JULY

From the mangaka that brought you BOKURA GA ITA. :)

This oneshot is about two friends who shared the same childhood memories, and a willow. I found the story highly similar to Bokura ga Ita, but with a way happier ending.

Rating: 4 out of 5

Otiose

2009-06-07T03:11:00.002+08:00

I am now completely aware of the fact I can no longer trust my own self.

I can't trust my gut, my limited intellect, my heart, my strength (or lack of thereof), my unpolished skills, and everything else that I had a bit of confidence on before.

It spurred my indolence. I had a reason to do so. I didn't know it then.
But now I do. I realized that there is no longer a point in everything, is there?

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
So if I reverse it, I wonder how big the ripple effect would be...

drama strikes back

2009-06-04T01:11:00.003+08:00

I feel miserable. My leg's stiff cuz I fell asleep in the car in a weird position, I think I'm down with fever, and I'm stressed like hell. -my latest tweet.

It's times like this when I need a hug. Kelangan ko yakap niya. Kaso lang hindi ko na siya makikita ulet.

girl sketch

2009-05-25T11:53:00.005+08:00

Last night, I couldn't sleep even if I wanted to.

I was sitting within the confines of my oven-like room. I have always wondered why my room seemed to have a different temperature from the rest of the house. I sat in my study, and simply sat there with a glazed look. I could not bear the heat.

The television in my room is broken. So was my radio. I just used the computer. I didn't want to watch TV in the living room. But I was bored...I had to something to alleviate my boredom. But I was also tired. I couldn't sleep even if I tried. It was already 3 in the morning.

I noticed the notepad that used to be beside the telephone in the other room. Why is it here?, I wondered. Then, my hand, as if having a brain of its own, reached for a pencil.

Without giving much thought on what to draw, I drew a pair of eyes.
Then a slightly flat nose.
Full lips.
Soft hair line.

I paused.
She looked horribly familiar.
While contemplating, I saw from the corner of my eye, a girl with a deadened look upon her. She had a stare which could scare the daylight out of any man. She looked tired. There were great dark circles under her eyes. With another glance at my sketch, I almost jumped from my seat. She was the girl whom I was sketching.

I looked at the clock. 3:24 AM.
I looked at my sketch.
It was unfinished.
I adjusted my grip on the pencil, and started shading.

Shadows cast by the nose.
Highlights on the hair and cheeks.
I adjusted my grip on the pencil again, and started drawing the rest of the girl's face.

Long and dark hair.
A gaunt neck.
Visible collarbone.

Again, I adjusted my grip on the pencil, and started shading.

I was so bent on my work that it was almost 3:38 AM when I finished.

There she was.

From the corner of my eye, I saw her again.
She looked like she wanted to sleep.
I, too, was tired.
I smiled.
She smiled.

I turned off the lights in my study, and turned off the lights in my bedside lamp.
As I prepared for slumberland, I made a mental note never to look at the mirror while drawing during the early hours of the day.

all else fails

2009-05-25T11:51:00.000+08:00

When all else fails, lock yourself in your room before you commit murder.

Slowly I am falling back into the habits I've sworn never to be under again.
I am, and will always be, a victim of mistrust and distrust.
I am back.
I--the smokin' drunken profane diva--am back.

i will get it this time

2009-05-22T20:06:00.003+08:00

Sabi nila, "The right thing to do is not exactly the important thing to do."

Kung sino man SILA, pakyu.

Not that I'm complaining, pero lagi ko na lang inuuna ang ibang tao pagdating sa usaping pag-ibig. At ang nakakabadtrip pa, pagtapos ko pagbigyan ang ibang tao, tinutubuan ako ng sungay, at lagi ko na lang iniisip, "paano kaya kung di ko sila pinagbigyan."

No regrets. No regrets.

However, I want to change myself.

This time, I hope I won't lose to the OTHERS.
It's an important thing to do for me, and I will make it the right thing to do.

How I almost believed you.

2009-05-16T18:10:00.002+08:00

How many people do I know can make me get
Out of my sloth time so that I could shop for them?
Well, I guess there was only you.
I had the impulse to buy you a gift...
A parting gift. Because you and I are
Leaving one another, and I don't want you to forget
Me. You don't know that, d'you?
Of course you don't. I wanted to say it but I never did because I wasn't able to
See you again. I still haven't
Taken the gift from the
Bag that I used when I returned to
Elbi. What would you think of its message: "God
Loves you, and so do I."
I wish you a great future, excellent health, a
Very loving new set of friends, and a happy life in general.
Everybody has to leave. I just had to
Do it sooner than what we expected.
You're really something.
One in a million--No, trillion.
Undeniably...I almost believed you.

DMC clip

2009-05-08T18:49:00.001+08:00

"Krauser-san's ten times in one second rape utterance!"
Haha.
Krauser is da best.

Do I have breast cancer?

2009-04-30T18:09:00.005+08:00

Yesterday, my left breast was hurting like hell.

Now, although I'm not much of a pessimist, I was scared that I have breast cancer.
I know that I'm jumping into conclusions. But my awareness for breast cancer has been raised.
So I surfed the net for things that might help me identify with the disease, and so to prove to myself that the breast pain I'm having is not associated with breast cancer.

Initially, breast cancer may not cause any symptoms. A lump may be too small for you to feel or to cause any unusual changes you can notice on your own. Often, an abnormal area turns up on a screening mammogram (x-ray of the breast), which leads to further testing.

In some cases, however, the first sign of breast cancer is a new lump or mass in the breast that you or your doctor can feel. A lump that is painless, hard, and has uneven edges is more likely to be cancer. But sometimes cancers can be tender, soft, and rounded. So it's important to have anything unusual checked by your doctor.

According to the American Cancer Society, any of the following unusual changes in the breast can be a symptom of breast cancer:

swelling of all or part of the breast
skin irritation or dimpling
breast pain
nipple pain or the nipple turning inward
redness, scaliness, or thickening of the nipple or breast skin
a nipple discharge other than breast milk
a lump in the underarm area

These changes also can be signs of less serious conditions that are not cancerous, such as an infection or a cyst. It’s important to get any breast changes checked out promptly by a doctor.

Source

So there. After reading that, I was relieved because I don't have lumps or anything other than breast pain.

Besides, I've learned the following from this site:

Early breast cancer usually does not cause pain. Still, a woman should see her health care provider about breast pain or any other symptom that does not go away. Most often, these symptoms are not due to cancer. Other health problems may also cause them. Any woman with these symptoms should tell her doctor so that problems can be diagnosed and treated as early as possible.

A big sigh of relief. I'm only seventeen. There's still lots of things to do. And having cancer is not one of them.

crappy posts

2009-04-30T18:04:00.002+08:00

My blog posts are really not worth reading anymore.
I noticed that, when I was organizing the labels.
I wonder what the hell is happening to me.
I used to live a life so colorful, so enthralling, so joyful.
Now it's just full of crap.

I guess from now on I'd start making sensible blog posts that actually matter.
Posts that might actually be useful to someone at the other side of the world.

Bokura Ga Ita quotes

2009-04-22T19:57:00.002+08:00

-ah...see? There goes my heart, clenching up again.

-I believe only one person can be most important to you at a time.

-I don't think the important thing to do is always the same as the right thing to do.

-Listen carefully because I'm gonna say this once, I love you.

-I want to believe that it's not something special and that it's not an ending.

-With his face shimmering brightly in the pitch black darkness..and his eyes like all the stars in the sky gathering as one...he told me..that eternity does exist.

-and before we knew it, we became older than Nana-san was.

-You may not believe me, but even before he told me his name I felt as if i already knew who he was.

-Human memories are too vague. Thinking something has color when it doesn't, making things more dramatic than they really are, glorifying things. It gives new greater meaning than was actually there. That's why I don't believe any of this talk about 'beautiful memories.'

Bokura Ga Ita

2009-04-22T19:47:00.008+08:00

**WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD**

Last night I finally finished watching BOKURA GA ITA. It was beautiful. Really. Somehow, had I watched this earlier, I wouldn't have connected with Yano and Nanami. I guess it was fated that I watch the beautiful [and painful] ending on that night.

I almost forgot the fact that the artwork could really be a lot better. (Again, I'm not saying it's bad)

It's just too much. I never cried over an anime before (Yes, even with the anime of Fruits Basket).

As I watched the credits rolling of the last episode, I finally understood why Nanami was a character you would both hate and love. Hate her for being too dense, selfish, and jealous at times. But then, you'd love her for being too dense, selfish, and jealous at times. Get it? No? Doesn't matter. She personified the teenager-in-love perfectly. After all, there can't be a perfect girlfriend for Yano.

And Yano. I love his character. Like how he cares for Nana, and his mother. I like his protecting nature, though it tears him apart. Then again, he ain't perfect. He does stupid things, like going to Yamamoto's side without giving a thought on Nanami's feelings.

Okay, because I was crying my heart out, I'm going to tell you why I was crying in the first place.

We all know that Yano's going to leave. HUWAT?? You didn't know? My bad. Anyway, it's because Yano's mother is getting divorced, and she's been offered a job in Tokyo. Now Yano, knowing that her mother is an adult yet unable to be a real adult, has to go with her. He just knows she is begging him to come with her via unspoken and unseen ways. But he know's he can't leave his girlfriend, Nana. They just made up and now he has to leave...and at Christmas too! Yano's only hope is if Nanami would go to a Tokyo university...and the odds aren't really in their favor given Nana's grades. Well, they still have a year and her marks might improve. At least, that's what they are hoping for.

Nanami told Yano that he has to do what he has got to do. Although Nana really doesn't want Yano to leave, she felt that it wasn't right to be selfish. Yano doesn't want to leave, too. Only Nana's word could break his resolve and make him stay. But when Yano told her that he had a dream in which Nana was saying that she regretted letting him go to Tokyo, Nanami said that she didn't regret it (but deep inside she DOES regret it).

Fast forward to the day Yano has to leave.....and it was all drama. Too much drama, actually, but it was beautiful. I was touched.

The ending might not sound too grand on paper, but believe me when I say that this is one of the most beautiful love stories I have ever watched. And that came from someone who throws criticisms for breakfast.

//This was a very hasty review. Forgive me.
//I already made a review on Bokura Ga Ita before. Read it.
//And you do know why I was touched by the story, right?
//For quotes from the anime, click here and here.

I want to believe that it's not something special and that it's not an ending

2009-04-22T01:07:00.002+08:00

Ever since I met you, I feel like I lived to meet you.

"We were all indeed here."
"We lived here."
"I came to love him."
"I loved her."
"Recieving so many blessings and a countless number of feelings."
"Learning each other's strengths and weaknesses."
"Yes indeed...We were here."

I won't regret the regrettable.
I accepted that paradox..as this 17 year old girl's winter is
starting to give it signs of its end.

reality check

2009-04-21T17:05:00.001+08:00

I don't want to do it, yet here I am, doing it.

One can only imagine my agony as I force myself to fix my papers for transfer. I guess my smoking and drinking cessation did nothing to prevent what I feared. I will never tell myself to stop my bad habits so that I'd get good karma EVER AGAIN.

I don't want to sound like some spoiled brat whose not getting her way. But this is just TOO MUCH. I feel like dying from a heart attack right now. Dammit.

Of something inevitable

2009-04-20T22:21:00.000+08:00

I feel like dying. No joke. Really. I really want to die right now.

I can’t believe that the future which I carved perfectly in my dream is in the brink of destruction. No, wait. It hardly shaped to be the real thing, and now it’s going to be gone, forever.

I am going to stop schooling. I just know it.

I feel like stabbing my heart so that I won’t be able to feel anything.

Ayan. Nag-eemo tuloy ako.

makati science high school survey!

2009-04-12T18:44:00.002+08:00

find MakSci!

Happy Birthday!

2009-04-12T00:21:00.002+08:00

This blog is now two years old! More posts to come! ;D

never

2009-04-11T01:09:00.001+08:00

I will never understand why I can't accept the fact that nothing is ever permanent.

It's probably not good to be feeling too much negativity becausse it's Good Friday. However, I feel as if I've sucked up all the negative energy of the place.

I hate my hormones. It always gets in the way of my thinking.
Right now, I just want to shout my lungs out. askldfjapoefualkdsa122edvrwpoemfd

I'm having all these emotions inside of me..so damn extreme that I think I'm gonna blow up any second. I feel like crying...dammit. I hate it when I feel this..this pain. I hate hate hate hate it. It's times like these when I feel like screaming and I entertain every negative thought imaginable. I hate it. I hate it.

And what makes it more unbearable is losing the only person you want to pour your heart out...the only person you want to talk to when you feel like you're losing your mind. I don't like being alone. I HATE being alone. Because I've been alone for as long as I can remember, that there was even a point where I would only talk to myself because there would be NO ONE who would listen, even if I beg for half an ear.

I hate that I'm crying right now because of something that is inevitable.

I hate myself for trying to convince myself that I'm not supposed to be feeling too depressed about this THING.

I hate that some people forget their own adolescence.

I hate that I don't have the guts to tell the people that will be eventually involved of the THING about my problem. I don't have any freakin' idea on what to do.

I will never understand why I can't accept the fact that nothing is ever permanent.

Of things like hate

2009-04-05T15:47:00.007+08:00

Hate.What's to hate?What's not to hate?--------------------------------------

Sometimes people get confused. You can't use HATE between the words I and YOU is without pure venom injected in every syllable. That's how extreme HATE is. So I don't want to believe that many people actually have hatred in their hearts.I'm turning on a new leaf. I'm optimistic now. I would like to believe that most people don't HATE. They just dislike. And that makes a great difference. Because not liking does not equate to hating.

The thing that I don't like is when people use HATE carelessly. Like saying "I hate your design" when they mean "I don't like your design". The person who is speaking may mean the latter, but use the former because...it consists of fewer syllables. Did that person really had to say HATE? Was it necessary. C'mon people. Don't you think before the words come out of your mouth? How terrifyingly tactless!

I wish people would stop using the word hate.
Let's make this world a better, happier place.

Of things like love

2009-04-04T12:31:00.001+08:00

Sabi nila may "true love". Eh ano yung ibang love?
Joke taym lang ba yun?

==================================

I'd like to think that when they say they're in love, they feel genuine love. After all, there is no "artificial" love. Or is there?

I think that what people call "not true" love is just love which is one-sided, or hadn't been able to linger for a longer period of time. That short-lived love will eventually be buried when a new wave of love comes. However, not all buried love rot and dissolve into notihng. It could revive one day to ruin/color your life. But usually, it does rot and dissolve into nothing.

The other kind of love--the one that lives longer--is not just about love that people say all the time. How to describe it? Hmm...I don't know. I don't think there's a word enough to describe the intensity of how one feels. I've never been there. But I think that those who have, they must be lucky to be part of something wonderful and beautiful...and happy should they be because they were able to keep the love going. Lucky them. Giving love and accepting love. Then giving more love. Yeah baby. Exactly the way it should be.

If it works, it works. But if it doesn't, move on. When you feel hurt, think that it's all part of the cycle. Love is not just a feeling. It is entangled in the complex web of commitment, trust, honesty, patience, among other virtues. So love. Get hurt. And grow as a person. And give some mo' lovin' baby. Let's make this world a better place.

-pagmumuni-muni ko sa shower.

Baby quest crew

2009-04-02T19:44:00.005+08:00

Summer class doesn't happen for another week or so(?)...so I just bummed around the house. Haha. I missed my SLOTH time so much.

This kid's sooo cute.
Haha.
I say watching dance competitions on tv is OK for kids.

Here's the real thing.

Never assume, always test.

2009-04-02T09:54:00.004+08:00

never assume, never
expect, never demand

I don't live by that shit.

It's supposed to be: Never assume, always test.

If you know it's yours, you have the right to expect at least something..
If you know your the limits, it's OK to demand.
But whatever it may be, play it safe by testing. You'll never know when it is going to last.

So go on and live the good life.

----
PS: I had quit on doin' shit! Yay me! *clap* *clap*

loading...

2009-03-28T14:40:00.001+08:00

I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.

Bokura Ga Ita

2009-03-26T14:06:00.011+08:00

/*I was doing a paper, and I was really sleepy so I looked for some manga too read. And I came across Bokura Ga Ita*/

Probably reading this manga is one of my biggest mistakes this year. It's because there are LOTS of chapters missing...because no one bothered uploading them. Because of that, I watched the anime (which was *probably* faithful to the plot in the manga. I dunno).

Enter Yano Motoharu. ~~One of~~ the hottest guy in his year. Enter Nanami Takahashi. The girl he would eventually be head over heels for. Enter Yuri and Takeuchi. Two characters who are meant to make this anime worth watching. And slip in some memories about Nana-san. There, the anime has enough material to keep you watching.

The anime revolves around Yano and Nana-chan, whose relationship is troubled because of Yano's past relationship with Yuri's older (and now DEAD) sister Nana-san, and of the ever good&righteous bestfriend Take. Love hurts. After all, if it's not for you, it's never gonna be for you. Like what Take said, "Love is abou timing". Maybe you had your chance; you just did not grab the opportunity.

What I like most about this anime is it's "grounded" feel. The characters have complex natures--which is very much like a real person. They act according to how the feel, what they deem is right, and what drives them. Their multifaceted characters give depth to the story. They love, they get hurt, they cry. But they think, they deliberate, and they decide.

About the art. Hmm...I am not pleased with the art, although I wouldn't call it bad. I guess that's what makes this anime appealing to me. The characters don't look like perfectly made characters. Even the protagonists have great flaws too. It just made the whole "grounded" feel really grounded.

I love the use of music in the anime. It has great timing, especially in the dramatic moments near the end of an episode. It makes the spectacle come to life. What more can I say. Good job.

I just wish I could read the missing chapters of the manga. After all, the anime is just a part of the whole story. If you've watched the anime, you will definitely seek the manga. After all, who wouldn't be curious to know what happened to Yano after...okay, no spoilers here.

I give this anime 8.5 out of 10.

Libra

2009-03-20T09:47:00.000+08:00

LIBRA (SEPT 24 - OCT 23)

Libras are tactful, diplomatic and gracious, and feel that they are God's gift to the society.. You are the artistic type, but so is an ape with a paint brush and a bucket.. To you, life is a game of monopoly, and you will go directly to jail without collecting $200 bail money.. Facing reality for you is difficult as you are two-faced.. Amazon natives come to your kitchen to dip their arrows in your gravy before going on the warpath.. Libras are drug smugglers and satanic cultists.. If male, you thrive on rejection; if female, your sign should be "yield"..Libras make commendable toxic waste handlers - WS

so this is what failure tastes like

2009-03-16T18:39:00.000+08:00

It tastes like rotten veggie meat mixed with spoiled salad dressing.
It's bitter, sour, unbearable, unpleasant, and most of all, hard to swallow.

PLUS i feel like my share of rotten luck is good enough for two people. F-CK!

this day officially sucks.

------
kung may pera lang ako lulunurin ko sarili ko sa alak e.

I am Factual

2009-03-13T11:42:00.003+08:00

You Are Factual

You are highly intelligent, especially in areas that deal with concrete knowledge and facts.

You are amazingly analytical. You can make sense of chaos without involving your emotions.

If anything, you tend to be overly logical. It's sometimes hard for you to come to a decision, because you're too busy weighing all the options.

People turn to you in times of trouble. They know that they can trust you to give good, well thought out advice.

Are You Flirtatious, Fearless, Factual, or Friendly?

~(moving on)

2009-03-09T22:33:00.004+08:00

1) I take back what I said from my previous blog post. It turns out I was blinded. Yep. BULAG ako.
I was mistaken. Ayun. Bobo lang talaga.

Talagang di na ako makakamove on sa buhay ko. oh well.

2) While I was doing my project in CMSC, I had to do something to keep me awake. Kaya ang ginawa ko, nagbasa ako ng manga. Nagbrowse lang ako. Click dito click doon. Tapos may nakita ako na manga na mukhang maikli. Kaya sinimulan kong basahin.

Maganda yung kwento. kaso asar lang ako kasi yung sitwasyon ng heroine sa kwento ay katulad ng nangyayari sa buhay ko. Yep. My non-existent lablayp. Tapos kaugali nung lalaki sa manga yung chorba ko ngayon. Oh how I hate it. Tapos ang nakakaasar pa, bitin ako sa manga. Kasi kulang yung naupload na chapters. Kaya asar na asar ako.

Haaay...

talaga naman

2009-02-28T23:11:00.001+08:00

In love ba? Ay hindiiiiiiiii..

tagal ko nang hindi nakakaramdam ng ganito. yung tipong sasakit na
yung dibdib mo dahil sa sakit. **eeeeeeww. ang eeeeeeeemo ni kat!** *tapos sumuka bigla*

ayoko na ng magdeny. pag ako tinanong niya personally kung mahal ko siya, isang bonggang bongang 'OO' ang sasabihin ko. Basta tanongin niya ako ng seryoso; walang halong biro, walang halong pagpapatawa. Ask me if i love him, I'd say, "I do, I do love him. And I don't care what you think. I love him for the man that he wants to be, and I love him for the man that he almost is..."
Ayan, nagcite pa ako ng Jerry Maguire quote.

Random 1:35a.m. post

2009-02-19T01:15:00.004+08:00

I'm so upset I could murder someone right now. And I quote from Dilbert, "lately the only thing keeping me from being a serial killer is my distaste for manual labour."

Help me douse this fire within me. Else, I might blow.

-----

I need a hug. Wala akong teddy bear. Wala akong room mate. I need a hug buddy. I miss my friend.

-----

I want to finish my paper. I will finish my paper. I can do it. I. Can. Do. It. Go me!

-----

I have to get over THAT dream...though he's soooooooo effin' handsome, and hot. Must. Get. Over. Him.

-----

LOOKING FORWARD TO SATURDAY. It's been weeks since I've been home. I miss my room!

upfebfair.boozing.valentinesday.woosh.

2009-02-15T11:09:00.000+08:00

aylokongputangina. Tapos na ang febfair.

Ayun. Masaya. The past week seemed to drag on forever when we were stressing about the fair. And what I meant with "we" is the adhoc of the Febfair. So there, tapos na ang fair.

For some reason, I sorta enjoyed being stressed. Dunno why, but being pulled into pickets, having our moneybags crying, keeping our eyelids from drooping during the dead of the night, and having our heads worrying seemed to have a strange effect on me.

Ansaya. Grabe. Napuno ang booth ng uplbMass alumni. I've met (and I hope I remember their names right) the alumni who came on the last two days of the fair. Though I can't relate much to what they were talking about, it was fun to listen to their stories during their undergrad days. It was outrageous. Andaming kwento, laugh trip ng sobra sobra...AND Bags of booze. Grabe. It made my night. Beer tastes sooo much better if its drinking with the people you love. Naks naman. haha.

Now, about Valentines Day........who cares? Bakit ba kailangan ng Valentines Day para ipadama mo sa mga minamahal mo na mahal mo sila? Ayun. A big ILOVEYOU to all the people who I love.

alam kong may sasabihin pa ako, kaso napatingin ako sa music video ni Beyonce ng Single Ladies sa tv kaya nalimot ko na. oh well.

You're so Gone-oh-rrhea

2009-01-29T07:02:00.000+08:00

Next week, i'm planning on this "healthy living" thing.....................

That means walang inuman , walang de lata, more veggies, less red meat, morning jogging, nocturnal exercises, less caffiene , no "bisyo", and things like that.

sana maka-save ako ng pera! puro gulay ang bibilhin ko niyan. Hehe.

*****

asar ako ngayon sa isang tao. lagi akong pinagsasabihan ng kung anu-ano kahit wala siyang karapatang pagsabihan ako. Parang [bleep] lang. sana ma-[bleep] siya. Haha.

Miss Solo

2009-01-24T21:20:00.000+08:00

May napansin ako ngayong second sem.

parang lagi akong mag-isa

Siyempre, solo ako ngayon, in terms of taking care of myself. Kasi naman malayo ako sa pamilya.

Solo ako sa room ko sa elbi; wala akong room mate.

Single ako ngayon; wala akong bf or gf.

Solo ako sa batch nung applicante ako sa org; kaya nga Sola batchname ko

Solo ako sa block namin..Wala akong super classmate this sem.

Solo ako sa mga school work; wala akong pagkokopyahan, wala ding mapagcocomparehan ng sagot.

Solo ako pag-uwi; wala akong commute-buddy.

Waaaaaaaaaa...

damayan nio naman ako!

Detroit Metal City

2009-01-18T19:39:00.007+08:00

Er. I'm not finished with Detroit Metal City. And I won't finish it. Because the series is still not finished. (Huh?) I don't think I'll be making a proper review, but here it goes.

What makes every death metal band so cool? It's having this demonic freakish lead singer who shouts out EVIL with his mere appearance. Known to have raped his parents before killing them, and doing other evil deeds, being the lead singer would be very demanding indeed. Especially if the lead singer I am talking about don't even like death metal.

Enter Soichi Negishi. This loser-ish boy--who is a fan of Swedish pop--is one soft dude. Lose-ish I say because he still has sick guitar skills, although he likes a genre which is a universe far from death metal. Nope, he ain't gay. But he ain't half the man he is supposed to be. He can't speak his dislike in the death metal lifestyle to his foul-mouthed bitchy manager. So he is stuck in performing dark songs full of hate, rage, violence and rape. Et cetera Et cetera. But there is still part of him that is Krauser II, his alter-ego, and death metal god in the music scene. When he snaps, he turns into this one hell of a performer, and brings a piece of hell on stage. He'd say the nastiest things that will make a even tough guy's toes curl. That's Negishi--when he turns into Krauser II.

But what would a good story be if things didn't turn out to be more complicated? So enter Yuri Aikawa, Negishi's college crush. Of all the things she was doing, she just made Negishi's life more complex. She is a pop magazine writer, and has to barge into the music world--a world which DMC (Detroit Metal City for short) rules.

What will Negishi do? As the popularity of DMC increases, Negishi goes through a lot of hilarious things as he strive to keep his profane, heavily made up, wig-wearing, satanic alter-ego Krauser II a secret.

Death Note

2009-01-18T19:05:00.010+08:00

This is probably one of my favorite manga and anime because I half the time I was reading/watching it, I was like "woah". Seriously, Death Note is one serious shit. It's dark and twisted, and I absolutely loved it. Though Light is one sick fella, and L is a loony weirdo, I love both of them. It's mainly because of this "heated" cool battle between these two that I got hooked. There's this time when you just don't know who to side with. I really enjoyed this series..until the coming of the two little rugrats--that came after the death of L. Frankly, I felt the story would have been better if they haven't been introduced at all..AND if L hadn't died. [Breathe in, breathe out] So...Characters are, uhm, too damn intelligent (except some of those moronic policemen and Misa-chan). Artwork? It was okay (I'm no expert in such). Plot? I'm not entirely sure. The second part was probably the weakest point of the whole series, so..It's 6 out of 10 for the story.

I give it 9/10.

1/3 no Kareshi

2009-01-18T01:03:00.007+08:00

I was looking for something to do during my lunch break so I checked oneshot mangas online. Luckily, I stumbled across this. Though I'm a bit confused why it's called My 1/3 Boyfriend, I could care less about that because it served its purpose: to entertain the reader. Was it funny? Yep. Amusing? Hmm..yeah. What about the story? It was okay, though I must say it failed to "touch" me. What do I think about the artwork? It was pretty good.

The story was sorta predictable, but it's unlikely that you won't finish reading it. I give it 6.5 out of 10.

Absolute Boyfriend

2009-01-18T00:52:00.005+08:00

In case you've wondered why the characters in Absolute Boyfriend look somehow familiar, maybe you know some of Watase Yuu's other works (Fushigi Yuugi, Ayashi no Ceres, among others). This manga is thankfully less sci-fyi-ey compared to the mentioned works because gahd I had enough of those already. The focus is naturally on the romance between the characters because that is the only thing that keeps the story going. I mean, take the romance out and you'd be left with pretty much nothing. But I don't hate it because of that. Actually, I liked it. And I'm not the one who is easily pleased. I judge too harshly, some say. Oh well.I give it 7 out of 10.

Butterfly Cloud

2009-01-18T00:25:00.008+08:00

/* Yep. I read mangas. And this is my first manga review */

This oneshot by Ashihara Hinako, Butterfly Cloud was surprisingly good. I don't read a lot of oneshots, because the few that I have read had really poor story development. But this one's different from the others. The pace was just right. The characters were likeable. The atmosphere was relaxing. When I was reading it, I felt like I was near the sea too. Though the story is not new, the storytelling makes it refreshing. The artwork is pretty okay too. I give it 8.5 out of 10.

sana may RESET button sa buhay ko

2009-01-16T15:15:00.002+08:00

Much has been said
Said you'd never leave
Why'd it have to be
Harder than it had to be
Now don't you throw the blame
You were part of this
Wasn't supposed to end
With us just walking away
So many times we tried
Holding on to the pain
But in my baby's eyes i see my shame
Asking why you had to leave
Wasn't i strong enough
To make you see
That the biggest part of this
It's not about you or me
But just been wrong
If we held on

So maybe tomorrow we'll find
A taste for the old days
Hard lessons we've left behind
This mirror's an open door
I can barely stand to see myself
I don't know what to do anymore
I'm crying out for help

Ooh lord
Ooh lord

Much has been said
Well i never learned
Keeping my fingers crossed
Praying for my luck to turn
But i can't complain
I'm living it easy
Job's keeping me busy i'm going crazy
Can't describe the way it felt
When you left said you goodbyes
It just seems crazy for me to think
That i found love the same time
But we all know how it all wraps up in the end

So maybe tomorrow we'll find
A taste for the old days
Hard lessons we've left behind
This mirror's an open door
I can barely stand to see myself
I don't know what to do anymore
I'm crying out for help

Ooh lord
Ooh lord
Ooh lord
Ummm...

What am i leaving behind
Sweet how we see the big picture
When your life's not on the line
I know the way out but do you see what i see
A tortured life always second guessing the bookie
Put money on the table thought that was all i had to do
Never came home never said a word to you
No one ever said it was going to be easy easy yeah
Start over again this time this time let's do it right
Start over again but this time this time let's keep the fires burning burning yeah
Start over again start over again but this time this time let's do it right sweet child
Start over again start over again but this time this time let's keep the fires burning burning yeah
You say i only hear what i want to no, no, no, no
You say i talk so all the time
I talk so all the time

I never learned. And i will never ever learn.
WALA AKONG KWENTANG TAO.
Today, I missed 5 out of my 6 classes. Y'know why? COZ I OVERSLEPT doing some sh*t last night! And the only thing that I was able to do right was consult one of my instructors and attend my [last] class.

I'm so upset with myself. I hate it that I'm a useless daughter. I even hate it more that I'm a good-for-naught student. Hah! Which reminds me...DI AKO ESTUDYANTE KASI DI NAMAN AKO STUDIOUS. Parang tanga lang talaga. Kanina nga nung pagtawid ko daan, parang gusto ko ng magpatama sa Vios na dumaan. Sobrang nakakawalang-gana na. Di ko na naiintindihan ang nangyayari sa buhay ko. Naloloka na ako. Nababaliw na ako. Di na ako makapag-isip ng matino. Pag di pa ako namatay within a fortnight, baka ako pa ang makapatay.

Maybe i have issues

2009-01-12T18:50:00.001+08:00

In relation to blog entry here.

May mga oras talaga na parang sira ulo na ako. Siguro dahil full moon noong Sunday nawala ako sa tamang pag-iisip. Baliw ako nung time na yun. Akalain mo, trip kong tapusin na ang maganda kong buhay.

Hindi perpekto buhay ko. Syempre talagang may mga pagsubok. Pero GRABE naman yung paglalahad na ginawa ko sa post na yun. Parang magsusuicide na ko sa sobrang hirap ng pinagdadaanan ko. It was damn stupid of me of ever thinking that way. I've got a grand life right now. It ain't perfect. It ain't always fair. But I've got my life in this road that I have chosen for myself. Having made that decision is enough to prove that I am to make my life; that my life is of nobody else's control. Kahit na mabato, mausok, baku-bako, maputik, etc. ang daan na pinili ko, ayos lang dapat. Because I've got tons of people who support me. I've got tons of love coming from different people. I've got you. I've got Him. I've got everything I need to get thru that ~~sh*tty~~ road. The only reason I'm stuck in the middle is my stubborness, my lack of will, my THIS, and my THAT. Yeah, I just didn't exert enough effort. I know I can do it. I can. And I will. GO ME!

This is it.

2009-01-11T18:08:00.003+08:00

Eto ang point sa buhay ko SO FAR na napagtanto ko na WALANG KWENTA BUHAY ko.

Di naman sa nagpapaka-emo ako o super duper negative ko mag-isip. Hindi ko lang talaga maintindihan kung pano naging panget ang outlook ko sa 2009. Siguro dahil nung New Year sobra akong nabadtrip. Ewan. Ang alam ko lang, may malaking mangyayari pagkatapos ng second sem. Mga dalawang taong na rin yang bumabagabag saken. Ayan. Mangyayari na talaga.

The problem that I have been dreading for quite some time will now come to pass.

Ok. I’ll try to accept that. Ngayon naman, bakit di pa rin ako magpakasaya in the meantime?

Kasi kahit sa kasalukuyan, badtrip ako. Naasar ako sa sarili ko kasi hindi ko magawang mag-aral ng matino. Kung kelan resolved ako mag-aral, dun naman ako pinutakte ng sandamukal na problema. Oo na, oo na. Ako yung may kasalanan kasi kung matino nga naman ako di ako malulunod sa problema. Pero kahit tanggapin ko na ako talaga ang mali, di ko pa rin kayang tanggapin na wala akong magawang tama sa buhay ko bilang estudyante. Kahit maraming beses na akong bumagsak sa maraming pagsubok (be it exam or real life problems), hindi pa rin ako sanay; nasasaktan pa rin ako dahil di ko kinakaya ang mga pagsubok. At natatanong ko na lang sa sarili ko “Ganito pala ako kahina. Iisang pagsubok lang tulad nito at di ko pa nagawang lampasan.”

May mga araw na ayaw ko ng bumangon. “Bakit pa ako tatayo? Eh mukhang wala rin namang mangyayari kung pumasok ako sa mga klase ko. Hindi ko rin namang papakinggan ang mga prof ko. Matulog na lang kaya ako.” Pero kahit ganun ang iniisip ko, tatayo pa rin ako sa kama, maliligo, magbibihis, kakain, magtootoothbrush, at papasok sa una kong klase. Bakit kamo? Kasi kahit may 99.9% chance na sobrang pangit ng araw ko, may maliit na boses sa loob ng ulo ko na nagsasabing “Go lang. Malay natin iba ‘tong araw na ‘to. Malay natin ito ang araw na kukunin na ang lahat ng dala-dala mong problema sa araw-araaw.” Oo, umaasa pa rin ako. Kahit ilang beses akong nasaktan dahil asa ako ng asa ngunit lagi namang bigo. Hindi ko tinutukoy ang lovelife ko. Sa dami ng problema ko, parang nawala na yun sa bokabularyo ko.

So ayan. Naiiyak na ako habang nagttype. Tinatamad na ako mag-aral. Tinatamad akong mag-ayos ng gamit kasi bukas babalik ako ng Los Banos. Tinatamad ako kumain kahit maingay na tiyan ko.

WALA NA AKONG GANA

Wala na akong direksyon sa buhay.
Wala na akong hangarin sa buhay.
Wala na akong dahilan para mabuhay.
Basta nabubuhay lang ako.

BASTA LANG.

I merely exist.

problem SOLVED!

2009-01-04T16:18:00.004+08:00

I feel like blogging today.

Last night, I called a friend--my only friend at times like this. **Once, not too long ago, a similar situation happened. She was the only one who gave me hope**

Anyway, we talked about this problem of mine. I just couldn't get the issue a rest, since it has been on my mind virtually all the time. She told me to do this and that, as well as providing an attentive ear on all my rants. It was so comforting to know that I still have at least one true friend.

The night ended with my problem solved, a rekindled friendship with this old flame, and pleasant midnight snack. Today, I feel great!

asar

2009-01-03T19:54:00.004+08:00

Dear Diary,

Last night I was forced to say something I didn't mean.

Even when I tried to explain, the idea was already carved in his head.

What a conceited fellow.

If I wasn't such a good person, baka matagal ko na siyang minura and sinabihang, “ONE, STOP CALLING ME. TWO, STOP TEXTING ME. AND THREE, STOP ACTING ALL TOO FRIENDLY AND FAMILIAR WITH ME.”
At may pahabol pa na “STOP PREVENTING ME FROM GETTING SLEEP. I PREFER TO HAVE 12 HOURS OF SLEEP THANK YOU VERY MUCH.”

Dammit. But let’s be friends still?

Signed,
Kat

- - - - -

IF I have a diary, yan ang isusulat ko. I am so upset with that person. That fellow's impossible!

UNFORTUNATELY I DON’T. Or rather, I no longer have one.

Nor do I still have journals.

It’s because my dad “cleaned” my room. Yeah, And cleaned it so good that he even threw out precious memorabilia. My grade school journals written in code on how I’m crushing in this guy. My high school diaries full of rants on school, frenemies, and life in general. MY PRECIOUS DOODLES, ALL GONE.

I was so irritated today. Hope tomorrow’s gonna be better.

And I’m so looking forward to the assumption of classes. I wanna get away from this crap.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION:
I will be like this fictional character TH. I want to a good person like her.

New Year's Resolution

2009-01-01T02:33:00.000+08:00

For 2009:

>> I will make my bed every morning.

>> I will not have a three-hour late meal.

>> I will try to wake up everyday with a smile =).

>> I will stop using bad words.

>> I will learn how to play the violin and piano [without formal lessons].

>> I will read the following manga: Boku ni Natta Watashi, Hoshi wa Utau, School Rumble, Kare First Love, The Wallflower (Perfect Girl Evolution), among others.

>> I will exercise daily.

>> I will not to bring umbrella to Elbi.

>> I will learn how to dance...like the ones I saw in youtube.

>> More TBA.