the Maladaptive Daydream Disorder post
One Monday afternoon I googled "mental disorder symptom often daydream", and it led me to several sites wherein I was introduced to Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder (MDD). One is a blog where the blogger sorta shared her experience. And upon reading, I knew that we both share this extremely active imagination that is affecting my day-to-day actions.
I initially did not want to believe in MDD, primarily because I can't trust self made diagnosis that is based on googled sites. Also, believing I have MDD would mean I am mad, although not as much as people with schizophrenia.
I think I started to have MDD when I was 15. We moved to a different house so the travel I had to go to school was longer. It was then during the commute where I can find my mind flying, and imagine something exciting happening to me while I was on a bus, like my crush getting on the bus, or sometimes I get paranoid and feel that the man with a huge acne problem two seats away from me is going to hijack the bus, but then upon the hijacking I realize I have a sleeping talent for karate and I do some kick-ass moves on him and his accomplice standing near the driver.
Sometimes I think that such imagination was a product of boredom during the commute, but then usually I'm only imagining when I am not tired. So what does that mean?
Also, it was around that time when I started to watch movies and TV series. Because of the long time for commute, I come home late, and I go to bed late to finish all school work and watch the shows I follow. I would fancy myself as a gorgeous 5'11" skinny model who hopes to still be in the running of becoming America's next top model. I even had extremely detailed scenarios where I am inside the model house...At that point, I thought it was perfectly normal to dream of such. Hell, there were crossovers from a completely different show, like having Shawn Michaels, Stewie Griffin, or Barney Stinson show up randomly in some of the dreams.
I have to admit TV is a major part of the daydream process...until college.
When college started, I pretty much stopped following the shows I follow. During highschool, socializing happens only within the school. But with college, socializing just outside your dorm room. I became focused on studies, friends, and partying. And sleep. Lots of sleep.
I noticed I was still daydreaming, though the content was different. Because of many circumstances, I drew material for my daydreams from movies and plays I watched. AND the dreams have become significantly more detailed.
Again, daydreaming was triggered because of media. Nothing from personal experience is involved too much....until a rather dramatic change happened to me during college.
My personality changed. And so have the dreams.
My failed relationships, the crushed dreams, the pain....at one point I think I've gone crazy. I became socially withdrawn. I didn't talk to people in classes. I became the resident loner.
Maybe it was because I wasn't keen on letting go, but there was a point where I would be pacing around talking to someone, getting angry with him, then eventually cry. And of course, the scene involved cinematic effects. Even the simple act of eating breakfast took me more than one hour because I would stare at the empty chair opposite me, and I would think I was having a conversation with a person.
Because there are a lot of mirrors, I would often check them to see my reflection, much like to check the different "angles" of the scenes.
I took twice as much time taking a bath because when I'm at the bathroom, my imagination gets to be active, especially when I look at the mirror. Sometimes I think I just want to be an actress. I laugh, I cry, I talk to the mirror. But I think that was also part of a dream where I aspired to be an actress, but I didn't think I could do it but luckily one day an open audition was happening nearby and a friend persuaded me to accompany her but I got the major part instead. And the movie I auditioned went on to win an Academy Award and I instantly became a star, became a legend by winning 5 back-to-back Oscars in 5 years in the Best Actress category. It was a good thing I had a successful career because I was a failure in the personal relationships category. My boyfriend followed me to Hollywood, and he became known as the "my date to premieres". Even if he wasn't like most of my male lead costars I chose to stay with him, until he was in an accident and died, leaving me with 3 children, one of which is yet to be born. Because all the children were not known by media, i go home to his parents' house to ask to take care of them. Also to arrange the funeral. It was the year I was going to win my 5th Oscar, and I delivered the most powerful speech anyone has ever heard. And I was 8 months pregnant then. Then when I turned 27 I was also involved in a tragic ski accident, killing me and the children. Then the media started to write about me; they created books, documentaries about the life that was lost, the star who burned out too early and joined the 27 club.
So that was one of the most insane bathroom daydreams I had. I think that was the reason I was late for class on that day.
So this kind of daydreaming happened 90% of my waking time, and the remaining 10% devoted to crying, eating, breathing and other activities.
Somehow that kind of extreme daydreaming doesn't happen anymore.
Most of the time now I imagine myself talking to some stranger who is figment of my imagination. We talk about anything and everything. Hell, we even fight with each other, sometimes the imaginary dude acting as my conscience. But we seem to talk more often than before. The wild media-fueled imaginations are decreasing but the psychedelic conversations with that imaginary guy is making up for it. I just lay in bed for hours talking to him/her/it, once even until 4am.
Daydreaming has started to affect my activities. I have no interest in the things I like anymore. I just wanted to contemplate and speak with imaginary dude. On the bright side, I became an introvert, unlike the chatterbox that I was until a couple of years ago, because I am embarrassed that I might be ridiculed if I am caught talking to no one.
It was me with MDD through the years. Or maybe it was just my intense [but completely on a normal scale] imaginative juices flowing. I'm not sure. But I want to rid myself of this habit. It's starting to affect my productivity, and when I'm not outside pretending to be the sunny person that I am not, I go back to talk to imaginary friend.
I initially did not want to believe in MDD, primarily because I can't trust self made diagnosis that is based on googled sites. Also, believing I have MDD would mean I am mad, although not as much as people with schizophrenia.
I think I started to have MDD when I was 15. We moved to a different house so the travel I had to go to school was longer. It was then during the commute where I can find my mind flying, and imagine something exciting happening to me while I was on a bus, like my crush getting on the bus, or sometimes I get paranoid and feel that the man with a huge acne problem two seats away from me is going to hijack the bus, but then upon the hijacking I realize I have a sleeping talent for karate and I do some kick-ass moves on him and his accomplice standing near the driver.
Sometimes I think that such imagination was a product of boredom during the commute, but then usually I'm only imagining when I am not tired. So what does that mean?
Also, it was around that time when I started to watch movies and TV series. Because of the long time for commute, I come home late, and I go to bed late to finish all school work and watch the shows I follow. I would fancy myself as a gorgeous 5'11" skinny model who hopes to still be in the running of becoming America's next top model. I even had extremely detailed scenarios where I am inside the model house...At that point, I thought it was perfectly normal to dream of such. Hell, there were crossovers from a completely different show, like having Shawn Michaels, Stewie Griffin, or Barney Stinson show up randomly in some of the dreams.
I have to admit TV is a major part of the daydream process...until college.
When college started, I pretty much stopped following the shows I follow. During highschool, socializing happens only within the school. But with college, socializing just outside your dorm room. I became focused on studies, friends, and partying. And sleep. Lots of sleep.
I noticed I was still daydreaming, though the content was different. Because of many circumstances, I drew material for my daydreams from movies and plays I watched. AND the dreams have become significantly more detailed.
Again, daydreaming was triggered because of media. Nothing from personal experience is involved too much....until a rather dramatic change happened to me during college.
My personality changed. And so have the dreams.
My failed relationships, the crushed dreams, the pain....at one point I think I've gone crazy. I became socially withdrawn. I didn't talk to people in classes. I became the resident loner.
Maybe it was because I wasn't keen on letting go, but there was a point where I would be pacing around talking to someone, getting angry with him, then eventually cry. And of course, the scene involved cinematic effects. Even the simple act of eating breakfast took me more than one hour because I would stare at the empty chair opposite me, and I would think I was having a conversation with a person.
Because there are a lot of mirrors, I would often check them to see my reflection, much like to check the different "angles" of the scenes.
I took twice as much time taking a bath because when I'm at the bathroom, my imagination gets to be active, especially when I look at the mirror. Sometimes I think I just want to be an actress. I laugh, I cry, I talk to the mirror. But I think that was also part of a dream where I aspired to be an actress, but I didn't think I could do it but luckily one day an open audition was happening nearby and a friend persuaded me to accompany her but I got the major part instead. And the movie I auditioned went on to win an Academy Award and I instantly became a star, became a legend by winning 5 back-to-back Oscars in 5 years in the Best Actress category. It was a good thing I had a successful career because I was a failure in the personal relationships category. My boyfriend followed me to Hollywood, and he became known as the "my date to premieres". Even if he wasn't like most of my male lead costars I chose to stay with him, until he was in an accident and died, leaving me with 3 children, one of which is yet to be born. Because all the children were not known by media, i go home to his parents' house to ask to take care of them. Also to arrange the funeral. It was the year I was going to win my 5th Oscar, and I delivered the most powerful speech anyone has ever heard. And I was 8 months pregnant then. Then when I turned 27 I was also involved in a tragic ski accident, killing me and the children. Then the media started to write about me; they created books, documentaries about the life that was lost, the star who burned out too early and joined the 27 club.
So that was one of the most insane bathroom daydreams I had. I think that was the reason I was late for class on that day.
So this kind of daydreaming happened 90% of my waking time, and the remaining 10% devoted to crying, eating, breathing and other activities.
Somehow that kind of extreme daydreaming doesn't happen anymore.
Most of the time now I imagine myself talking to some stranger who is figment of my imagination. We talk about anything and everything. Hell, we even fight with each other, sometimes the imaginary dude acting as my conscience. But we seem to talk more often than before. The wild media-fueled imaginations are decreasing but the psychedelic conversations with that imaginary guy is making up for it. I just lay in bed for hours talking to him/her/it, once even until 4am.
Daydreaming has started to affect my activities. I have no interest in the things I like anymore. I just wanted to contemplate and speak with imaginary dude. On the bright side, I became an introvert, unlike the chatterbox that I was until a couple of years ago, because I am embarrassed that I might be ridiculed if I am caught talking to no one.
It was me with MDD through the years. Or maybe it was just my intense [but completely on a normal scale] imaginative juices flowing. I'm not sure. But I want to rid myself of this habit. It's starting to affect my productivity, and when I'm not outside pretending to be the sunny person that I am not, I go back to talk to imaginary friend.
